Freedom and Coffee

My Dear Reader,

My new job as a barista at a cafe is strange, to say the least. Not because the job itself is weird, of course. As usual, weirdness is just one of the many things that I bring to the table all on my own. Any normal person who works selling coffee is one thing, but as a Mormon, me selling coffee is as strange as as Jew who sells bacon. Just to be clear, my job doesn't mean than I'm any less devoted to being Mormon than I was before, but it does open me up to a lot of questions. Most of these questions are things I ask myself. Today, however, I'd like to talk about a question that my co-worker asked me the other day:

"Do you ever feel like you're missing out?"

I knew exactly what she meant; after all, the part of my day that I spend at the cafe revolves almost exclusively around helping other people get a substance that I'm not supposed to have. It was a perfect, honest question.* My response was just as honest:

"No, I feel like other people are missing out."

It must have been a strange thing to hear, but it's true. I don't sit around and feel sorry for myself because I can't drink coffee; I sit around and wish that more people understood what it felt like to live a life without coffee. I know that to most people, that doesn't really make sense, and it certainly didn't make sense to my friend. I explained that not drinking coffee was just part of my religion, and it's kind of an all-or-nothing thing. She said that to her, a religious ban on coffee seemed very arbitrary, and wondered how I felt about being kept from something for seemingly no reason.

This question was just as valid and honest as the first, in fact, I often meet people who are confused by the fact that I believe in following certain rules that they see as arbitrary. A lifetime of following those "arbitrary" rules has taught me this: the act of following the rule (or, keeping the commandment) tends to teach me why the rule is necessary. I start doing it out of faith, but after time, I'm doing it out of a deeper understanding. Abstaining from coffee is a great example of what I'm talking about. Most people don't see why coffee could be bad for them because they don't think about it.

Of course, I can't help but think about everything.

And, I don't believe that God gives arbitrary laws.

So, to try to figure out why, according to my faith, God has banned coffee, I have to try and figure out what makes coffee different than other things. I think most people are aware that coffee's bad for you, but so are marbled meats and orange dreamsicles, and those aren't off the menu.

Of course, there aren't thirty different ways to have an orange dreamsicle, and people don't get mad at you if you get it wrong. And there isn't an entire culture centered around marbled meats. No one tells you that they need marbled meats to wake up or stay up or think.

That would be a strange world.

But stranger still, it is that way with coffee. It's something that runs people's lives. It's addictive, so the more you have it, the more you need it. And the more you need it, the less control you have over your own life. And if you aren't controlling your life, who is? A bean?

In a way, addiction is it's own kind of slavery, something that takes away your freedom by taking away your self-control. And isn't self-control the most precious thing we have in this life? Isn't it something worth protecting? If all you had to do to keep you self-control in tact was to not drink something, would you think that you were missing out?

I honestly don't.

There are lots of things in this world that strip self-control away, and coffee is only one of them. My faith teaches me to cut those things out of my life so that I can master my body, instead of having my body master me. I do my best to steer clear of those things.

And while it's true that it means that sometimes I don't fit in, or that people think I'm weird, it doesn't mean that I feel like I'm missing out on slavery.

That's one thing I'd gladly miss out on.

Regards, best wishes, and self-mastery,

-Cecily Jane

*Dear Reader, if you are of another faith, you should know that Mormons love nothing more than answering questions about their faith. Seriously. Ask us anything you want, and we'll be tickled pink to answer you. I dare you to try.

Oh, Hello There. I Remember You!

My Dear Reader,

I really hope that you don't hate me by now. Gosh. Please accept my sincere apologies for May and June. And most of 2010. I've seriously been in a funk.

Let me tell you what's been going on with me lately, and we'll see if that helps you forgive me. A little.

So, this past year-and-a-half have not been my favorite. All I can say is this: make sure you actually have plans after college, people. Don't just assume that you can take a year off and work while you figure things out. Something small might happen, like a global economic meltdown.

Just saying.

Anyway, video editing is great work, but it's not steady. I can go months without having anything to do, and so what happens when no one on Earth is hiring? You end up watching a lot of TV, which is weird for me. I went five years without watching more than an hour or two a week, but when you're practically unemployed, you find ways to fill up your days.

And then those little things take over your life.

And turn your brain to goo.

And make your life so boring that you really can't think of anything interesting to blog about. And you're really frustrated and unhappy, because you feel that you've thrown your life away, somehow.

And then one day, you're sitting at the computer, your goo-brain sloshing from left to right, when you get a call from Padre. And then people start saying things to you. Things like:

"Cecily, your grandmother is in the hospital. We need you to come up here and take care of Grandpa. Be ready in an hour."

"Cecily, we think she has cancer."

"Actually, Cecily, you might have to move in with your grandparents to take care of her when she gets out."

"If she gets out."

And then . . .

"Here, Cecily, have a job."

"Here, Cecily, have two jobs. Five minutes away from Grandma's house."

All in the same day.

I could write about the days I spent next to my grandmother in the hospital, but I'll spare both of us. It was painful, but mostly really boring. What they found out was that she has advanced pancreatic cancer, a kind of cancer that comes out of nowhere and is almost always terminal.

She might have six months to a year to live. Two weeks before she was diagnosed, we had no idea she was even sick. I still can barely process this. My grandma.

And on top of that, my grandpa, her husband, is in the early stages of Alzheimer's. He knows who we are and how to do everything, but he gets lost sometimes. And he can't really be on his own. And he certainly can't take care of his terminal wife. That's my job, now. I'm the one with no commitments, right? Goo brain? The fit was so perfect, I'm tempted to use words like "destiny." We'll see.

On top of that, my aunt and uncle (married to, and own their own businesses next door from, each other) both decided that they need help, so they're sharing me. My aunt owns a cafe, and my uncle owns an insurance agency. Weird combination? Yes. Weird that a Mormon girl is learning how to make coffee? Definitely. And while it's just more crazy to add to the crazy, I think the weirdest part is that I'm okay with it. All of it.

I kind of feel like I was waiting for this moment to happen, where someone would need me for something. Or lots of things.

But, of course, my grandma is still dying from cancer.

So, we'll see how this works out. The only thing I really know is that I think the goo is starting to congeal. I think I might be in for a full recovery, if this doesn't break me.

So, yeah. I'll keep you posted.

Regards, best wishes, and some sense in what the heck is going on,

-Cecily Jane