My Dear Reader,
I don't really have a coherent post for you right now, but I do have some short thoughts I'd like to share. Here we go:
1. They always tell you to be the change you want to see in the world. What they don't tell you is that until people start catching on, it just kinda sucks.
-Or-
Sometimes being yourself means being alone.
I honestly, truly believe that every person in this world has a function. I believe that God places each of us in certain families, in certain situations, and with certain abilities. And I think that God expects us to go out in the world and do things that no one else can do. And that makes us stand out from other people. It makes us an ensign of other possibilities, and if we're lucky, an agent of change.
But being an agent of change on a large scale is something most often seen in Disney sports movies. Most of the time, people see that you're different, but they don't get that you're doing it on purpose, and that you have a reason, and that you honestly believe that being who you are makes the world a better place. And most of the time, they try to ignore that part of you, or they ignore all of you.
But you know, sometimes it's really the only thing you can do. Anything else just feels wrong. And if God is on your side, it doesn't really matter if people don't get it. It hurts, but it doesn't change the fact that you have to be what God made you to be. You can't let the apathy or disgust of others stop you from improving the world in whatever capacity you can.
And even though it sucks, and it's lonely, it's also incredibly noble. Noble isn't a bad thing to be.
2. I don't think that I've ever met a person who didn't want to change me. And that might occasionally be a good thing.
I'm starting to think that the whole I-love-you-just-the-way-you-are thing is just a myth. Or a lie we tell ourselves. I mean, I have friends who wish I enjoyed shopping with them. Or who wish that I wasn't quite as loud and verbose. Or, you know, lots of things. It's the kind of thing that used to get me down a lot, because the TV tells me that people are supposed to love me, warts and all. But I'm starting to realize that I want other people to change, too. Usually just in little ways, and usually it all goes unsaid. But you know, I still care about them. Sometimes I want them to change because I care about them. Sometimes I want them to make choices that will increase their happiness. I don't think that wanting people to change always means that you don't love them. It definitely can mean that, of course. Sometimes you want people to change for reasons that are selfish or petty. But sometimes it means that you love them truly and deeply.
Because a mother's love is supposed to be the strongest love in the world, right? But my Madre has never stopped giving me suggestions on how to be a better person. And that does not even compare with the rebukes I've gotten from God, who loves perfectly. I mean, He wants me to change like you would not believe.
I think they ask me to change because they see a kind of potential in me that I can't always see in myself. And really, without these people in my life, I wouldn't have had the motivation to push myself and become stronger.
3. Someone who truly cares about you will be thrilled when you improve yourself. Someone who is using you will feel threatened.
This is kind of the flip-side of people who want you to change: there are people who want you to stay the same. More specifically, there are people who want you to stay inferior to them. This inferiority can come in multiple incarnations: monetarily, professionally, socially, psychologically, etc. These are people who may or may not be close to you, and sometimes they can lead you to believe that they don't care about the differences between you. They want you to believe that even though you're on different levels, they still value you.
But everything changes when you start changing. Maybe you get an education. Maybe you land a good job. Maybe you find yourself in a healthy romantic relationship. Or maybe you just grow up a little. Either way, things are going good for you, and when they can't stand it, you can finally see their true colors.
Everyone knows that bullies pick on people in order to boost their own damaged egos. This is kind of the same principle, but it's used in a more subtle way. They need you to be low in order to feel high, but they do it as your friend instead of your enemy.
Of course, we all do this to some extent. As a big sister, I can tell you that more than once I found myself very upset when my younger siblings out-shined me in any way. On some level, this is natural. We grow out of it as we mature. But it can get pretty twisted when it gets extreme. I know people who
have structured every single relationship on this principle. They are
usually deeply unhappy, and they're getting more miserable by the
minute. Because when your sense of self worth is dependent on others, it is always at risk of collapsing.
But when you can be truly happy for other people's success, you become liberated. You realize that your worth as an individual is independent and steady. You start to see yourself as a part of a great human family in which success is always a source of joy. And, more importantly, you start to truly experience unselfish love. The freedom in that is just exhilarating.
So, in conclusion:
I want to strive every day to bring good into this world, even if my methods seem odd. I want to find different ways to bring light into this life, and I want to share that light with everybody. And sure, that's something of a journey, and the road might not always be pleasant. But I want to surround myself with people who lift me up, who challenge me and want me to succeed. I want to be loved by people who find joy in my happiness. I want to be in a place where one person's happiness is enjoyed unselfishly by everybody else.
Who wants to join me?
Regards, best wishes, and I hope I wasn't too much of a downer,
-Cecily Jane
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Dating and Dollar Bills
My Dear Reader,
Over the past few days I’ve been thinking a lot about an address given by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf in April 2010, entitled “You Are My Hands.” One part in particular sticks out to me:
Over the past few days I’ve been thinking a lot about an address given by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf in April 2010, entitled “You Are My Hands.” One part in particular sticks out to me:
"One woman who had been through years of trial and sorrow said through her tears, 'I have come to realize that I am like an old twenty-dollar bill—crumpled, torn, dirty, abused, and scarred. But I am still a twenty-dollar bill. I am worth something. Even though I may not look like much and even though I have been battered and used, I am still worth the full twenty dollars.'"
As I consider that quote, I couldn’t
help but think that there have been so many times in my life when I’ve wanted
to shout a similar message to the world. I’ve just wanted to take out a
megaphone and say, at full volume, “I am worth something! I am battered and
worn, but I am worth something!”
And let me tell you, nothing in my life makes me want to shout that more than the decade or so that I’ve spent in and out of the dating scene. But I’m not alone in this. I know too many people who have, like me, gone through some trials in life. Sometimes these trials leave scars that we try desperately to hide, but all of the storms we’ve weathered have made us stronger. And what is so incredibly frustrating is that when it comes to dating, people ignore the strength and fixate on the scars.
And let me tell you, nothing in my life makes me want to shout that more than the decade or so that I’ve spent in and out of the dating scene. But I’m not alone in this. I know too many people who have, like me, gone through some trials in life. Sometimes these trials leave scars that we try desperately to hide, but all of the storms we’ve weathered have made us stronger. And what is so incredibly frustrating is that when it comes to dating, people ignore the strength and fixate on the scars.
So, for today, I’d like to riff off
of the ideas in that quote for a bit by telling you a story I just made up.
On a nice, spring morning, I walk into a store. After
a few minutes of thoughtful browsing, I pick up a book and bring it to the
cashier to pay for it. When the cashier informs me that the total due is twenty
dollars, I pull out that crumpled and worn twenty-dollar bill and place it on
the counter. I see the cashier’s face twist into an expression of disgust as he
picks up my bill between his thumb and forefinger as if any more physical contact
would be bad for his health.
“This isn’t enough,” he says.
“Excuse me?” I ask.
“This bill is obviously used, and who
knows where it’s been. You’ll need more if you want to buy the book.”
“But,” I politely counter, “it’s still
a twenty-dollar bill. It’s worth just as much as any other twenty would be.”
“Really?” He sneers at me. “Says
who?”
“The Government of the United States of America.”
“Oh,” he waves a hand in the air as if
to dismiss the notion, “them.”
Before I can say another word, the cashier rummages around
behind the counter, eventually producing a rubber ball attached to a wooden
paddle.
“Here,” he says, beaming with pride, “your ugly twenty-dollar
bill can buy this.”
It’s all I can do to stare at the man in stupefied confusion.
How can he think that a paddle ball would be an apt substitution for the book I
want? I didn’t just grab the book on a whim because I thought it might look
good on my shelf. I chose that book because I read the back of the cover,
flipped through the pages, and came to the conclusion that the book might do me
good. How can a paddle ball even compare?
“Just out of curiosity,” I finally say, “how much would that
cost if I had a clean, crisp bill?”
“One dollar,” he answers.
And that’s the point where I just get mad. How can this
cashier think that a crisp one-dollar bill was worth as much as my battered
twenty-dollar bill? Doesn’t he know that I could go to any bank in the country
and easily get that ragged bill exchanged for a new one?
And for one, brief moment, I almost want to do just that. I
want to leave the store and come back with exactly what he thinks he wants,
just to show him that I can.
But then I regain my senses, and I realize how childish I’m being.
I don’t need to take this! I earned that twenty dollars with my own sweat and
tears, dime by dime, and there is no way that I’m going to hand it over for
something I could get at the fair for free. I know what it’s worth, even if this pompous
idiot doesn’t. If I give him what he wants, isn’t that the same as saying that
my bill is worthless?
So, instead, I walk out of the store.
There are other stores out there, and other cashiers who
have at least a rudimentary understanding of how currency works. I’ll find one
of those. Maybe they won’t have the same book, but at least they’ll take my
money for what it’s worth. Maybe they’ll even have something I like better. I
won’t know until I try.
And that, my Dear Reader, is kind of how I feel like the dating world is sometimes. Sometimes, you just want to stand on your soap box and tell the world that even though you may not look like much, and even though you have been battered and used, you're actually better for it. You're not a soldier who earned badges sitting behind a desk; you've been out there in the field and you have the scars and muscles to prove it.
If only other people saw it that way.
Oh, well. You and I, Dear Reader, know better than that. We know that we are too valuable to give away what is precious to us to those who don't understand our worth. Because, really, that would be self-betrayal, wouldn't it?
Regards, best wishes, and people who see the strength inside of you,
-Cecily Jane
And that, my Dear Reader, is kind of how I feel like the dating world is sometimes. Sometimes, you just want to stand on your soap box and tell the world that even though you may not look like much, and even though you have been battered and used, you're actually better for it. You're not a soldier who earned badges sitting behind a desk; you've been out there in the field and you have the scars and muscles to prove it.
If only other people saw it that way.
Oh, well. You and I, Dear Reader, know better than that. We know that we are too valuable to give away what is precious to us to those who don't understand our worth. Because, really, that would be self-betrayal, wouldn't it?
Regards, best wishes, and people who see the strength inside of you,
-Cecily Jane
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Facebook and Hashtags
My Dear Reader,
I had to wait an extra day to post this one, just because the levity of this topic might be inappropriate on a day like yesterday.
But really, this is something I should have talked about a long, long time ago.
Hashtags, people.
On Facebook.
Not okay.
In case you're not familiar with my terminology, a hashtag is a feature on twitter. When you write a tweet, you can put a pound sign (#) in front of a word and automatically turn that word into a special kind of link. This link doesn't send you to a webpage, though. Instead, it brings up all of the other posts that mention it. This is useful on twitter, where all information is open to the public. It's a way of connecting unrelated people who are tweeting about the same topic. For example:
Someone posts a tweet with a hashtag:
Tweeter 1: "With great power comes great responsibility." #Spiderman
And you think, golly gee, I want to know what EVERYONE has to say about Spider-Man. So you click the hashtag, and you get something like this:
Tweeter 24: "Dude, I sure love Spiderman. He's the bomb-diggity!"
Tweeter 7: "And then I told him, I said, 'Hey look, at least I don't wear Spider-Man underwear!"
Tweeter 3455: "Is there going to be a new Spider-Man movie soon?"
Tweeter 865: "Who on Earth is Gwen Stacey?" #Spiderman #burningquestions
Tweeter 643643: "And then we shot silly string at each other in the face all afternoon. #Spiderman"
And there you have it. A gateway to a global conversation. Pretty neat.
Really, a hashtag is like a file folder. Every time you add it to your tweet, you are putting it in the same category as a thousand other tweets by a thousand people. It's a very useful tool when you're on a open-to-the-public social media platform like Twitter.
But bringing hashtags to twitter is like bringing a basketball onto a canoe. I mean you can, but why? Doesn't it just get in the way?
Facebook is fundamentally different that Twitter in the way it deals with privacy. You can't search for a Facebook status via Google. You have to have an account and often some kind of relationship with a person in order to see any of their status updates. So, of course, Facebook isn't going to let you automatically link your status updates to similar updates from strangers across the planet. On Twitter, that would be adding to a global conversation. On Facebook it's violation of the expectation of privacy.
Still, people still want to file their status updates the same way they can file their tweets. Somewhere along the way, people started to like the idea of putting tweets or status updates in a file folder, even though that tweet or update may be the only thing in that folder. It's a kind of asterisk that gives context. For example, you might see a tweet like this:
Tweeter 865753: "Ugh! Today at work was just awful! I'd quit if I didn't need the paycheck. #atleastitsjustmydayjob
In these cases, the hashtag isn't really meant to create a link to someone else. It's meant to add meaning in a new, contemporary way. And people wanted to take this new way of communicating and translate it to other platforms.
It's like if you're in a canoe, and you want something that will give you buoyancy. So you bring a basketball. Which, I guess, is better than bringing a stack of bricks, Not much better, really, but a little.
As much as I can appreciate new and innovative methods of self-expression, hashtags come off as clumsy and pointless on Facebook. At least, they are in their present form. On Facebook, where there is no urgent need for brevity, writinganentirephraseasonelongword doesn't make a ton of sense. So why don't we do away with that? And why do we need the #? Can't we think of something a little more elegant? Like a kind of punctuation that we already use to set something off to the side, the way a hashtag is?
So, here's my proposal: on Facebook, instead of using #hashtags, why don't we do (parentheses)? Why can't we turn that tweet above into a Facebook update that looks like this:
Facebooker Stan: "Ugh! Today at work was just awful! I'd quit if I didn't need the paycheck. (At least it's just my day job.)"
And those tweets that are really just putting something into a file folder? Those can look something like this:
Facebooker Jan: "I tried to fit all of my books onto my new shelf, but the shelf collapsed under the weight! (back to the drawing board) (nerd girl problems)"
Doesn't that seem better? I mean, doesn't it?
I'm pretty sure it does.
I'm pretty sure that we should just do parentheses instead of hashtags, at least on Facebook. Because, as I said before:
Hashtags on Facebook: not okay.
Regards, best wishes, and practical formatting,
-Cecily Jane
I had to wait an extra day to post this one, just because the levity of this topic might be inappropriate on a day like yesterday.
But really, this is something I should have talked about a long, long time ago.
Hashtags, people.
On Facebook.
Not okay.
In case you're not familiar with my terminology, a hashtag is a feature on twitter. When you write a tweet, you can put a pound sign (#) in front of a word and automatically turn that word into a special kind of link. This link doesn't send you to a webpage, though. Instead, it brings up all of the other posts that mention it. This is useful on twitter, where all information is open to the public. It's a way of connecting unrelated people who are tweeting about the same topic. For example:
Someone posts a tweet with a hashtag:
Tweeter 1: "With great power comes great responsibility." #Spiderman
And you think, golly gee, I want to know what EVERYONE has to say about Spider-Man. So you click the hashtag, and you get something like this:
Tweeter 24: "Dude, I sure love Spiderman. He's the bomb-diggity!"
Tweeter 7: "And then I told him, I said, 'Hey look, at least I don't wear Spider-Man underwear!"
Tweeter 3455: "Is there going to be a new Spider-Man movie soon?"
Tweeter 865: "Who on Earth is Gwen Stacey?" #Spiderman #burningquestions
Tweeter 643643: "And then we shot silly string at each other in the face all afternoon. #Spiderman"
And there you have it. A gateway to a global conversation. Pretty neat.
Really, a hashtag is like a file folder. Every time you add it to your tweet, you are putting it in the same category as a thousand other tweets by a thousand people. It's a very useful tool when you're on a open-to-the-public social media platform like Twitter.
But bringing hashtags to twitter is like bringing a basketball onto a canoe. I mean you can, but why? Doesn't it just get in the way?
Facebook is fundamentally different that Twitter in the way it deals with privacy. You can't search for a Facebook status via Google. You have to have an account and often some kind of relationship with a person in order to see any of their status updates. So, of course, Facebook isn't going to let you automatically link your status updates to similar updates from strangers across the planet. On Twitter, that would be adding to a global conversation. On Facebook it's violation of the expectation of privacy.
Still, people still want to file their status updates the same way they can file their tweets. Somewhere along the way, people started to like the idea of putting tweets or status updates in a file folder, even though that tweet or update may be the only thing in that folder. It's a kind of asterisk that gives context. For example, you might see a tweet like this:
Tweeter 865753: "Ugh! Today at work was just awful! I'd quit if I didn't need the paycheck. #atleastitsjustmydayjob
In these cases, the hashtag isn't really meant to create a link to someone else. It's meant to add meaning in a new, contemporary way. And people wanted to take this new way of communicating and translate it to other platforms.
It's like if you're in a canoe, and you want something that will give you buoyancy. So you bring a basketball. Which, I guess, is better than bringing a stack of bricks, Not much better, really, but a little.
As much as I can appreciate new and innovative methods of self-expression, hashtags come off as clumsy and pointless on Facebook. At least, they are in their present form. On Facebook, where there is no urgent need for brevity, writinganentirephraseasonelongword doesn't make a ton of sense. So why don't we do away with that? And why do we need the #? Can't we think of something a little more elegant? Like a kind of punctuation that we already use to set something off to the side, the way a hashtag is?
So, here's my proposal: on Facebook, instead of using #hashtags, why don't we do (parentheses)? Why can't we turn that tweet above into a Facebook update that looks like this:
Facebooker Stan: "Ugh! Today at work was just awful! I'd quit if I didn't need the paycheck. (At least it's just my day job.)"
And those tweets that are really just putting something into a file folder? Those can look something like this:
Facebooker Jan: "I tried to fit all of my books onto my new shelf, but the shelf collapsed under the weight! (back to the drawing board) (nerd girl problems)"
Doesn't that seem better? I mean, doesn't it?
I'm pretty sure it does.
I'm pretty sure that we should just do parentheses instead of hashtags, at least on Facebook. Because, as I said before:
Hashtags on Facebook: not okay.
Regards, best wishes, and practical formatting,
-Cecily Jane
Thursday, September 13, 2012
101 Questions to Ask Before Marriage
My Dear Reader,
So, this post is a little unusual. Let me tell you why.
I was just going about my business, pursuing Facebook, when I noticed a Muslim dating ad* on the side of the screen. And I clicked it. Not because I was interested in dating a Muslim, but I was interested in learning about other people and the way they see the world.
The ad lead me to a page that listed 101 questions to ask before marriage, and boy, was I intrigued. To be honest, I would have clicked that link whether it related to Islam or not, just because I'm interested in what people think is necessary information before marriage. But the Muslim factor made me at least three times as curious. What questions would they ask, and how different would that be from things that I would ask? How do Muslims see marriage in comparison to how I see it? So many things I want to know!
So I started reading through these questions, and I realized that I wasn't just reading the questions; I was also answering them internally. And they were deep and thought-provoking. Soul-revealing, even. So why not go ahead and share it with you? Why not let you experience this with me?
And here you have it: my answers for 101 questions to ask (a Muslim) before marriage. You're welcome.
Just to be clear: this is a thought experiment. Nothing else is implied.
1: What is your concept of marriage?
I see marriage as two people who work together as a team in order to combat the challenges that face them in life, and to create and nurture new life.
2: Have you ever been married before?
Nope.
3: Are you currently married?
Nope. (It occurs to me here that in a Muslim context, this would be important because plural marriage is acceptable in Islam. But I also think that this is probably something you should know before getting married, in any culture or context.)
4: What are you[r]** expectations from marriage?
I expect to work very hard in order to create a lasting and edifying union. I expect to sacrifice in order to benefit my husband. I expect to put my husband above all other relationships, except for my relationship with God. I expect the same in return, on all counts.
5: What are your goals in life long/short term?
Short term: to become a published author, get married, have children, buy a house, and to benefit the lives of everyone around me.
Long term: to be the kind of person who people turn to when they need hope, help, and love.
6: Name three things that you would like to accomplish in the near future.
A. Make enough money to get out of debt and support the lifestyle that I want
B. Publish a novel
C. Find a place where I want to live long-term
7: Name three things that you would like to accomplish in the long term.
A. Have a writing career
B. Go, do, and be where/what/who God wants me to go, do, and be
C. Enjoy a multitude of fulfilling and edifying personal relationships
8: What do you think is special about 'me' as a potential spouse?
You? Well, I don't know. Maybe you're tall?
As for me, I'm faithful, honest, loyal, hilarious, loving, intelligent, creative, and not too hard to look at. Most importantly, I am constantly striving to better myself, and I never give up.
9: What role does religion play in your life right now?
My religion is, and always has been, the most important thing in my life. I am inseparable from my faith.
10: Do you class yourself as a spiritual person?
Definitely.
11: What is your understanding of an Islamic Marriage?
I'm pretty sure that I don't understand it at all. I understand that a Mormon marriage is not only the most important decision I will ever make in my life, but it will open or shut the door to many, many other important decisions I will face. I understand that a Mormon marriage will fundamentally change my course in this life and the next, and that it is the only way for me to be the kind of person I truly want to be.
12: What are you expecting of your spouse, from a religious [perspective]?
I expect him to have the same religious commitment to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as I do.
13: How active are you within your local Muslim community?
I don't have a Muslim community, but I am very active in my Mormon community.
14: Do you volunteer for any Islamic activities?
No, but I volunteer for Mormon activities as often as I can.
15: What can you offer your spouse spiritually?
I am a true believer in Jesus Christ who continually tries to shape her life around His teachings in order to be as like Him as possible. That should count for something.
16: What do you see as the role of a husband?
I think a husband should be primarily responsible for providing an income, he should at all times be supportive of his wife and find ways to build her up, he should be a loving and caring father, and he should be willing to sacrifice everything in order to provide for his family's needs.
17: What are your views on polygamy?
I prefer not to think about it, honestly.
18: What do you see as the role of a wife?
I think a wife should be primarily responsible for managing the household, she should at all times be supportive of her husband and find ways to build him up, she should be a loving and caring mother, and she should be willing to sacrifice everything in order to provide for her family's needs.
19: What is your relationship with your family?
We get along most times.
20: What do you expect the relationship with your spouses family to be?
I hope to get along with them, too.
21: What do you expect your spouses relationship with your family to be?
Here's hoping that they don't turn and run away.
22: What are your current living arrangements?
I live with two awesome female roommates.
23: What will be the living arrangements, after marriage?
I assume that it will just be me and my hypothetical husband.
24: If, for any reason, your spouse didn't get on with your family, how would this be handled?
Wow, that's a tough one. It would be really difficult to have a husband who doesn't get along with my family! I guess I would try to build a bridge between them, possibly pointing out similar interests and values. I'd do everything I can to help them at least appreciate each other.
25: Tell me a bit about your best friend(s)?
That's a little private for a blog, but I'll say that I have a lot of close friends who are kind, compassionate, friendly, trustworthy, and who get my sense of humor.
26: How did you get to know your best friend(s)?
I met them all through church; I got to know each of them by spending time with them and persevering through the rough patches.
27: What activities do you do with your best friend(s)?
Depends on the friend! Going out to eat with friends is one of my favorite things. We also watch movies, explore strange new worlds and new civilizations, and talk.
28: What do you like most about your best friend(s)?
I like that they are willing and eager to spend time with me. Quality time is big for me.
29: What will your relationship with your best friend(s) be after marriage?
I hope that it will be similar. I hope we can all become better friends as the years go by.
30: Do you have any/many friends of the opposite sex?
Yes.
31: What kind of friendships do you have with people of the opposite sex?
I live with two girls, I'm close to my two sisters, and I have lots of female friends. I need guys just to balance that out. My guy friends are interested in things that my girlfriends aren't, and they help me with things that my girlfriends aren't comfortable with. I'd be lost without them, really. It would throw my whole world out of balance.
32: What will be the level of your relationship with people of the opposite sex after marriage?
That's probably what will change the most. I expect to bring my husband along on almost anything I do with my male friends in order to maintain an appropriate relationship.
33: What type of relationship do you want your spouse to have with your friends?
My hypothetical husband doesn't need to be best buddies with all of my friends, but it would be preferable if they could all get along.
34: What things do you do in your free time?
Write, spend time with friends, watch TV, read, play video games, go for walks, and try new and exciting things.
35: Do you like to have guests visit your home?
On occasion.
36: What are you expecting from your spouse if/when your friends come to the house?
I expect him to be pleasant.
37: What is your opinion of speaking other languages at home that everyone may not understand?
It's rude to speak a language that someone else doesn't know if it's at all possible to speak a language that everyone knows. That said, I really want to teach any future children a second language.
38: Do you like to travel?
Yes. I haven't done much, but yes.
37: How do you spend your vacations?
I like to visit new places and experience new things in a leisurely way. I find that the best vacations strike a balance between being bored and being stressed.
38: How do you think your spouse should spend vacations?
With me?
39: Do you like to read?
YES.
40: What do you like to read?
Anything mildly interesting. I mostly read fiction, but I'm also into English linguistics and history. I'll try any genre at least three times.
41: Do you think that you are able express romantic feelings verbally?
Yes.
42: Do you express affection in public?
It depends on what is appropriate for the situation.
43: How would you express your admiration for someone?
Probably vocally or by trying to imitate them.
44: How do you express your thanks to someone who has done a favor for you?
Probably vocally or with baked goods.
45: If you wrong someone, how do you apologize?
Immediately and profusely.
46: If someone has wronged you, how do you expect them to apologize?
By being honest and sincere. Offering a solution would be nice.
47: How much time passes before you can forgive someone?
Depends. Honestly, forgiving is hard for me. It's easier if I know it won't happen again.
48: How do you make important decisions in your life?
By examining every option and bringing my conclusion to the Lord. It usually takes me a very long time to come up with an important decision.
49: Do you use foul language?
Nope.
50: Do any of your friends/family use foul language?
Some of them. My closest friends don't.
51: How do you express anger?
When I was a kid, I used to yell a lot. Now, I mostly write very angry letters or confide in a friend until I calm down.
52: How do you expect your spouse to express anger?
With maturity and civility.
53: What do you do when you are angry?
I try to keep it inside until I'm removed from the situation so I can process it in a healthy way.
54: When would you think it was appropriate to initiate mediation within marriage?
I assume here that mediation means some form of counseling, in which case it becomes appropriate when the couple becomes incapable to resolving issues on their own.
55: If there is a dispute in your marriage how should it be resolved?
By a calm and respectful discussion.
56: What is your definition of emotional or physical abuse.
It becomes abuse when attacks continue, even though the other party is unable to fight back.
57: What would you do if you felt that you had been abused?
I would try to get out of that situation as quickly and cleanly as possible.
58: Who would you call for guidance if you needed to?
Anyone who is trustworthy and knowledgeable on the subject.
59: Do you suffer from any chronic medical condition?
Depression. Nothing else that's serious.
60: Are you willing to take a [pre-marital] health check?
Yes.
61: What is your understanding of proper health and nutrition?
I believe in abstaining from tobacco, coffee, tea, and alcohol. In addition, I think it's important to eat reasonable portions of a variety of foods as well as exercising regularly.
62: How do you support your own good health and nutrition?
By doing (or not doing) what is listed above,
63: What is you[r] definition of wealth?
Having more than you need.
64: How do you spend your money?
I mostly spend any extra money on books, music, and eating out. I occasionally save up for big items. I try to be sensible with everything else.
65: How do you save your money?
By managing my spending and putting extra money in a savings account.
66: How do you think that your use of money will change after marriage?
I expect that I will have to make spending decisions with my hypothetical husband.
67: Do you have any debts right now?
Yes, but I hope to get rid of them soon.
69: What is your opinion of taking loans, like a mortgage, to buy a new home?
When you buy a home, you should get only what you can afford once you have a stable income and a reasonable savings. Loans can help you accomplish that if used properly.
70: What are you expecting from your spouse financially?
I expect him to have a stable career in a field he enjoys.
71: What do you see as your financial responsibility within marriage?
I'm willing to work as much as needed to make ends meet, but eventually I would prefer to be a homemaker.
72: What is your opinion of a working wife?
I think it's fine if there are no children or of it's necessary to pay the bills.
73: How do you think a dual-income family should manage their finances?
I think they should still co-mingle their funds like a single-income family. Otherwise you're not spouses, you're roommates.
74: Do you currently use a budget to manage your finances?
Not a budget that is written down, but I stay aware of how much I have in the bank so I can adjust my spending. I always stay within my means unless there is some kind of emergency.
75: Are their people to whom you are financially responsible?
Other than the banks that have my loans? No.
76: What is your opinion of baby-sitters or house staff?
It's the primary responsibility of the parents to provide day-to-day care for their children. Baby-sitters are great for the weekend so the couple can have some alone time. I've never had "house staff" and never intend to, except maybe hiring someone to mow the lawn.
77: Do you want to have children?
Yes.
78: Do you have any children already?
Nope.
79: What is the best method(s) of raising children?
Love, patience, faith, and fair discipline when needed.
80: What is the best method(s) of disciplining children?
Teaching them why what they did was wrong and then assigning them to do something that will reinforce the lesson. Violence of any kind will not be tolerated in my household, ever.
81: How were you raised, as a child?
I was expected to help clean the house, to help take care of my younger siblings, to do well in school, and to be active in church.
82: How were you disciplined, as a child?
Mostly by spanking and grounding.
83: What is you[r] opinion on disciplining children?
Any discipline must be done out of necessity, not out of anger. The purpose of discipline is to teach a child how to behave properly, and violence only teaches children to be violent.
84: What is you[r] opinion on public school for your children?
If you have to send your kids to public school, send them to the best one you can find. Move if necessary.
85: What is you[r] opinion on Islamic school for your children?
I'm not opposed.
86: What type of relationship should your children have with other non-Muslim children?
My hypothetical children should treat everyone with respect regardless of their faith. I hope they have close friends of all faiths, as long as their friends have good values.
87: Would you send your children to visit their extended family if they lived in another state or country?
Yes, if I thought they were mature enough to travel on their own.
88: What type of relationship do you want your children to have with all their grandparents?
I want them to have a tender, loving, and respectful relationship with both sets of grandparents.
89: How many languages can you speak?
One and a half. One of these days I'll master Spanish.
90: If you could choose the career of your ideal marriage partner, what would it be?
I don't have an ideal career, but I would prefer a husband who had a job that had regular, reasonable hours and nice benefits.
91: Do you think it is important to finish your education, before getting married?
Nope.
92: What is your education level?
I earned a bachelor's degree in English from Brigham Young University.
93: In terms of distance, if you could choose where your ideal marriage came from, would it be?
Somewhere along the west coast would be great, since it would be easier to visit each other's families.
94: Do you think it's important to marry someone with the same nationality as yourself?
It certainly makes some things easier.
95: How many people do you think you will be inviting to your wedding?
I have a big family, so a big wedding is pretty much the only option.
96: What style of wedding are you planning to have; an Islamic wedding, a Western wedding or a [m]ixture of [b]oth?
I plan on having a Mormon wedding with a Western-ish reception.
97: What style of wedding clothes/dress are you planning to wear during your wedding celebrations?
A traditional, white, classic wedding dress.
98: What do you think is the best way for a Muslim to meet their ideal marriage partner?
I really have no opinion on the subject.
99: What does Ramadan mean to you?
It actually seems really interesting. I respect the dedication and sacrifice it requires.
100: Who is assisting you in your search for an ideal marriage partner?
God, hopefully.
101: What is your number one criteria when looking for an ideal marriage partner?
They HAVE to be willing to marry someone with life-long, clinical depression. Otherwise, I'm happy to die alone.
Regards, best wishes, and see, I can still surprise you,
-Cecily Jane
*Facebook apparently is convinced that I am interested in dating Muslim men. Not really sure how that happened.
** I didn't change any words, but I did correct some typos along the way.
So, this post is a little unusual. Let me tell you why.
I was just going about my business, pursuing Facebook, when I noticed a Muslim dating ad* on the side of the screen. And I clicked it. Not because I was interested in dating a Muslim, but I was interested in learning about other people and the way they see the world.
The ad lead me to a page that listed 101 questions to ask before marriage, and boy, was I intrigued. To be honest, I would have clicked that link whether it related to Islam or not, just because I'm interested in what people think is necessary information before marriage. But the Muslim factor made me at least three times as curious. What questions would they ask, and how different would that be from things that I would ask? How do Muslims see marriage in comparison to how I see it? So many things I want to know!
So I started reading through these questions, and I realized that I wasn't just reading the questions; I was also answering them internally. And they were deep and thought-provoking. Soul-revealing, even. So why not go ahead and share it with you? Why not let you experience this with me?
And here you have it: my answers for 101 questions to ask (a Muslim) before marriage. You're welcome.
Just to be clear: this is a thought experiment. Nothing else is implied.
1: What is your concept of marriage?
I see marriage as two people who work together as a team in order to combat the challenges that face them in life, and to create and nurture new life.
2: Have you ever been married before?
Nope.
3: Are you currently married?
Nope. (It occurs to me here that in a Muslim context, this would be important because plural marriage is acceptable in Islam. But I also think that this is probably something you should know before getting married, in any culture or context.)
4: What are you[r]** expectations from marriage?
I expect to work very hard in order to create a lasting and edifying union. I expect to sacrifice in order to benefit my husband. I expect to put my husband above all other relationships, except for my relationship with God. I expect the same in return, on all counts.
5: What are your goals in life long/short term?
Short term: to become a published author, get married, have children, buy a house, and to benefit the lives of everyone around me.
Long term: to be the kind of person who people turn to when they need hope, help, and love.
6: Name three things that you would like to accomplish in the near future.
A. Make enough money to get out of debt and support the lifestyle that I want
B. Publish a novel
C. Find a place where I want to live long-term
7: Name three things that you would like to accomplish in the long term.
A. Have a writing career
B. Go, do, and be where/what/who God wants me to go, do, and be
C. Enjoy a multitude of fulfilling and edifying personal relationships
8: What do you think is special about 'me' as a potential spouse?
You? Well, I don't know. Maybe you're tall?
As for me, I'm faithful, honest, loyal, hilarious, loving, intelligent, creative, and not too hard to look at. Most importantly, I am constantly striving to better myself, and I never give up.
9: What role does religion play in your life right now?
My religion is, and always has been, the most important thing in my life. I am inseparable from my faith.
10: Do you class yourself as a spiritual person?
Definitely.
11: What is your understanding of an Islamic Marriage?
I'm pretty sure that I don't understand it at all. I understand that a Mormon marriage is not only the most important decision I will ever make in my life, but it will open or shut the door to many, many other important decisions I will face. I understand that a Mormon marriage will fundamentally change my course in this life and the next, and that it is the only way for me to be the kind of person I truly want to be.
12: What are you expecting of your spouse, from a religious [perspective]?
I expect him to have the same religious commitment to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as I do.
13: How active are you within your local Muslim community?
I don't have a Muslim community, but I am very active in my Mormon community.
14: Do you volunteer for any Islamic activities?
No, but I volunteer for Mormon activities as often as I can.
15: What can you offer your spouse spiritually?
I am a true believer in Jesus Christ who continually tries to shape her life around His teachings in order to be as like Him as possible. That should count for something.
16: What do you see as the role of a husband?
I think a husband should be primarily responsible for providing an income, he should at all times be supportive of his wife and find ways to build her up, he should be a loving and caring father, and he should be willing to sacrifice everything in order to provide for his family's needs.
17: What are your views on polygamy?
I prefer not to think about it, honestly.
18: What do you see as the role of a wife?
I think a wife should be primarily responsible for managing the household, she should at all times be supportive of her husband and find ways to build him up, she should be a loving and caring mother, and she should be willing to sacrifice everything in order to provide for her family's needs.
19: What is your relationship with your family?
We get along most times.
20: What do you expect the relationship with your spouses family to be?
I hope to get along with them, too.
21: What do you expect your spouses relationship with your family to be?
Here's hoping that they don't turn and run away.
22: What are your current living arrangements?
I live with two awesome female roommates.
23: What will be the living arrangements, after marriage?
I assume that it will just be me and my hypothetical husband.
24: If, for any reason, your spouse didn't get on with your family, how would this be handled?
Wow, that's a tough one. It would be really difficult to have a husband who doesn't get along with my family! I guess I would try to build a bridge between them, possibly pointing out similar interests and values. I'd do everything I can to help them at least appreciate each other.
25: Tell me a bit about your best friend(s)?
That's a little private for a blog, but I'll say that I have a lot of close friends who are kind, compassionate, friendly, trustworthy, and who get my sense of humor.
26: How did you get to know your best friend(s)?
I met them all through church; I got to know each of them by spending time with them and persevering through the rough patches.
27: What activities do you do with your best friend(s)?
Depends on the friend! Going out to eat with friends is one of my favorite things. We also watch movies, explore strange new worlds and new civilizations, and talk.
28: What do you like most about your best friend(s)?
I like that they are willing and eager to spend time with me. Quality time is big for me.
29: What will your relationship with your best friend(s) be after marriage?
I hope that it will be similar. I hope we can all become better friends as the years go by.
30: Do you have any/many friends of the opposite sex?
Yes.
31: What kind of friendships do you have with people of the opposite sex?
I live with two girls, I'm close to my two sisters, and I have lots of female friends. I need guys just to balance that out. My guy friends are interested in things that my girlfriends aren't, and they help me with things that my girlfriends aren't comfortable with. I'd be lost without them, really. It would throw my whole world out of balance.
32: What will be the level of your relationship with people of the opposite sex after marriage?
That's probably what will change the most. I expect to bring my husband along on almost anything I do with my male friends in order to maintain an appropriate relationship.
33: What type of relationship do you want your spouse to have with your friends?
My hypothetical husband doesn't need to be best buddies with all of my friends, but it would be preferable if they could all get along.
34: What things do you do in your free time?
Write, spend time with friends, watch TV, read, play video games, go for walks, and try new and exciting things.
35: Do you like to have guests visit your home?
On occasion.
36: What are you expecting from your spouse if/when your friends come to the house?
I expect him to be pleasant.
37: What is your opinion of speaking other languages at home that everyone may not understand?
It's rude to speak a language that someone else doesn't know if it's at all possible to speak a language that everyone knows. That said, I really want to teach any future children a second language.
38: Do you like to travel?
Yes. I haven't done much, but yes.
37: How do you spend your vacations?
I like to visit new places and experience new things in a leisurely way. I find that the best vacations strike a balance between being bored and being stressed.
38: How do you think your spouse should spend vacations?
With me?
39: Do you like to read?
YES.
40: What do you like to read?
Anything mildly interesting. I mostly read fiction, but I'm also into English linguistics and history. I'll try any genre at least three times.
41: Do you think that you are able express romantic feelings verbally?
Yes.
42: Do you express affection in public?
It depends on what is appropriate for the situation.
43: How would you express your admiration for someone?
Probably vocally or by trying to imitate them.
44: How do you express your thanks to someone who has done a favor for you?
Probably vocally or with baked goods.
45: If you wrong someone, how do you apologize?
Immediately and profusely.
46: If someone has wronged you, how do you expect them to apologize?
By being honest and sincere. Offering a solution would be nice.
47: How much time passes before you can forgive someone?
Depends. Honestly, forgiving is hard for me. It's easier if I know it won't happen again.
48: How do you make important decisions in your life?
By examining every option and bringing my conclusion to the Lord. It usually takes me a very long time to come up with an important decision.
49: Do you use foul language?
Nope.
50: Do any of your friends/family use foul language?
Some of them. My closest friends don't.
51: How do you express anger?
When I was a kid, I used to yell a lot. Now, I mostly write very angry letters or confide in a friend until I calm down.
52: How do you expect your spouse to express anger?
With maturity and civility.
53: What do you do when you are angry?
I try to keep it inside until I'm removed from the situation so I can process it in a healthy way.
54: When would you think it was appropriate to initiate mediation within marriage?
I assume here that mediation means some form of counseling, in which case it becomes appropriate when the couple becomes incapable to resolving issues on their own.
55: If there is a dispute in your marriage how should it be resolved?
By a calm and respectful discussion.
56: What is your definition of emotional or physical abuse.
It becomes abuse when attacks continue, even though the other party is unable to fight back.
57: What would you do if you felt that you had been abused?
I would try to get out of that situation as quickly and cleanly as possible.
58: Who would you call for guidance if you needed to?
Anyone who is trustworthy and knowledgeable on the subject.
59: Do you suffer from any chronic medical condition?
Depression. Nothing else that's serious.
60: Are you willing to take a [pre-marital] health check?
Yes.
61: What is your understanding of proper health and nutrition?
I believe in abstaining from tobacco, coffee, tea, and alcohol. In addition, I think it's important to eat reasonable portions of a variety of foods as well as exercising regularly.
62: How do you support your own good health and nutrition?
By doing (or not doing) what is listed above,
63: What is you[r] definition of wealth?
Having more than you need.
64: How do you spend your money?
I mostly spend any extra money on books, music, and eating out. I occasionally save up for big items. I try to be sensible with everything else.
65: How do you save your money?
By managing my spending and putting extra money in a savings account.
66: How do you think that your use of money will change after marriage?
I expect that I will have to make spending decisions with my hypothetical husband.
67: Do you have any debts right now?
Yes, but I hope to get rid of them soon.
69: What is your opinion of taking loans, like a mortgage, to buy a new home?
When you buy a home, you should get only what you can afford once you have a stable income and a reasonable savings. Loans can help you accomplish that if used properly.
70: What are you expecting from your spouse financially?
I expect him to have a stable career in a field he enjoys.
71: What do you see as your financial responsibility within marriage?
I'm willing to work as much as needed to make ends meet, but eventually I would prefer to be a homemaker.
72: What is your opinion of a working wife?
I think it's fine if there are no children or of it's necessary to pay the bills.
73: How do you think a dual-income family should manage their finances?
I think they should still co-mingle their funds like a single-income family. Otherwise you're not spouses, you're roommates.
74: Do you currently use a budget to manage your finances?
Not a budget that is written down, but I stay aware of how much I have in the bank so I can adjust my spending. I always stay within my means unless there is some kind of emergency.
75: Are their people to whom you are financially responsible?
Other than the banks that have my loans? No.
76: What is your opinion of baby-sitters or house staff?
It's the primary responsibility of the parents to provide day-to-day care for their children. Baby-sitters are great for the weekend so the couple can have some alone time. I've never had "house staff" and never intend to, except maybe hiring someone to mow the lawn.
77: Do you want to have children?
Yes.
78: Do you have any children already?
Nope.
79: What is the best method(s) of raising children?
Love, patience, faith, and fair discipline when needed.
80: What is the best method(s) of disciplining children?
Teaching them why what they did was wrong and then assigning them to do something that will reinforce the lesson. Violence of any kind will not be tolerated in my household, ever.
81: How were you raised, as a child?
I was expected to help clean the house, to help take care of my younger siblings, to do well in school, and to be active in church.
82: How were you disciplined, as a child?
Mostly by spanking and grounding.
83: What is you[r] opinion on disciplining children?
Any discipline must be done out of necessity, not out of anger. The purpose of discipline is to teach a child how to behave properly, and violence only teaches children to be violent.
84: What is you[r] opinion on public school for your children?
If you have to send your kids to public school, send them to the best one you can find. Move if necessary.
85: What is you[r] opinion on Islamic school for your children?
I'm not opposed.
86: What type of relationship should your children have with other non-Muslim children?
My hypothetical children should treat everyone with respect regardless of their faith. I hope they have close friends of all faiths, as long as their friends have good values.
87: Would you send your children to visit their extended family if they lived in another state or country?
Yes, if I thought they were mature enough to travel on their own.
88: What type of relationship do you want your children to have with all their grandparents?
I want them to have a tender, loving, and respectful relationship with both sets of grandparents.
89: How many languages can you speak?
One and a half. One of these days I'll master Spanish.
90: If you could choose the career of your ideal marriage partner, what would it be?
I don't have an ideal career, but I would prefer a husband who had a job that had regular, reasonable hours and nice benefits.
91: Do you think it is important to finish your education, before getting married?
Nope.
92: What is your education level?
I earned a bachelor's degree in English from Brigham Young University.
93: In terms of distance, if you could choose where your ideal marriage came from, would it be?
Somewhere along the west coast would be great, since it would be easier to visit each other's families.
94: Do you think it's important to marry someone with the same nationality as yourself?
It certainly makes some things easier.
95: How many people do you think you will be inviting to your wedding?
I have a big family, so a big wedding is pretty much the only option.
96: What style of wedding are you planning to have; an Islamic wedding, a Western wedding or a [m]ixture of [b]oth?
I plan on having a Mormon wedding with a Western-ish reception.
97: What style of wedding clothes/dress are you planning to wear during your wedding celebrations?
A traditional, white, classic wedding dress.
98: What do you think is the best way for a Muslim to meet their ideal marriage partner?
I really have no opinion on the subject.
99: What does Ramadan mean to you?
It actually seems really interesting. I respect the dedication and sacrifice it requires.
100: Who is assisting you in your search for an ideal marriage partner?
God, hopefully.
101: What is your number one criteria when looking for an ideal marriage partner?
They HAVE to be willing to marry someone with life-long, clinical depression. Otherwise, I'm happy to die alone.
Regards, best wishes, and see, I can still surprise you,
-Cecily Jane
*Facebook apparently is convinced that I am interested in dating Muslim men. Not really sure how that happened.
** I didn't change any words, but I did correct some typos along the way.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Kerri Strug and Bringing Home the Gold
My Dear Reader,
When I was somewhere around five years old, my Madre enrolled me in a tumbling class. I don't remember much, just that it was a lot of fun, and it didn't last very long. While I was very physically active throughout my childhood, I was never especially coordinated, so I doubt that there was much of a future for me in the gymnastics world.
Oh, well.
Still, once every four years, I imagine an alternate universe in which my life took a very different path. I picture a world in which I wasn't a klutz, I had talent, and I had the support and resources available in order to bring my kindergarten tumbling to an Olympic level. Really, this is only one of the many alternate universes that my imagination visits from time to time, but perhaps this one is a place that seems familiar to you. Maybe we all dream of Olympic gold, through one path or another.
And while I never cared to do more than occasionally dream about being a world-class gymnast, I haven't stopped admiring those who had the talent, put in the work, and realized their dream. I find it so absolutely inspiring. I think that a lot of us have grown up with that inspiration. Who, for example, could forget Atlanta in 1996, when Kerri Strug landed that magnificent vault on only one leg?
I was still in grade school when I first saw that happen, but man, that still gives me chills. Kerri Strug had trained all of her life for something that would be over in a matter of seconds. Gymnasts, as you know, have only a small window of time when they will be physically capable of doing the super-human tasks they perform, and Kerri had to be at the very end of her career. Just one last vault, and that would be the end of everything she worked for.
And she nailed it.
But, as you can see, it didn't come without a cost. She began her last vault already injured, and she had to know that the impact of running, vaulting, and landing would give her excruciating pain. But she went for it. And while she did end up collapsing in agony, she managed to stick it out long enough to fulfill her dreams. How can you not admire that?
And I think about that, and I look at my life and the challenges I face. While my life seems daunting, it seems bland and uneventful next to an Olympic career. Sure, things are really hard. Sure, some days I'm not sure how I'm going to make it to the next. But I don't have the whole world watching. And I don't have that kind of pressure on me. I don't have to spend my whole life preparing for one short moment that might never happen.
Or do I?
Because while nothing I've ever done would merit the attention of the world, a lot of the pivotal moments in my life have happened in the same time it took Kerri to complete that vault. Sometimes, that's all the time it took for me to say the wrong thing, or give up, or to stand up for something I believe in, or to actually commit. Sometimes it took me the space of that vault to realize something so crucial that it caused a paradigm shift deep within me. And these moments, some of failure and some of triumph, ended up the way they did because of a thousand little actions I'd made over the course of my life. Sometimes these pivotal moments have come at me so fast that the difference between winning and losing is the character that I've developed over the years. It's who I really am and what I really believe and what I'm actually willing to do when it counts. It's the courage and faith that I have mounted against my fears and insecurities, and it's not until one short moment that I find out which part of me in going to win out.
And I'd like to say that when I find myself in one of those crucial moments, I act the way Kerri Strug did, giving it everything I have, committing every ounce of energy and every drop of experience in the hope that it will be enough. I'd like to be the person who can run at life's challenges head on and give it everything I've got until victory has been achieved. And I'd like to be the person who does it knowing that when it's all over, I might end up on my knees. Giving all I've got might mean that I have nothing left, but even if I have to crawl off of the mat, I go as a victor. That's the kind of person I'd like to be.
And that's something I can have in common with the Cecily who lives in that alternate universe, who is already retired and has a gold medal (okay, several gold medals) hanging on the wall. Maybe if I have that same kind of determination, if I spend a lifetime preparing to become a certain kind of person who has a specific set of qualities, and if I can pull out a victory in those crucial moments, I can have that same kind of glory that Olympic Gymnast Cecily has. The medal might be out of reach, but that Olympic character isn't.
I can defeat that fear. I can achieve that victory.
I can land that vault.
But what I can't do is waste my time. I can't stop bettering myself. I can't stop preparing myself to be the kind of person that can achieve victory. I just can't do that.
Because otherwise, how can I bring home the gold?
Regards, best wishes, and victory,
-Cecily Jane
When I was somewhere around five years old, my Madre enrolled me in a tumbling class. I don't remember much, just that it was a lot of fun, and it didn't last very long. While I was very physically active throughout my childhood, I was never especially coordinated, so I doubt that there was much of a future for me in the gymnastics world.
Oh, well.
Still, once every four years, I imagine an alternate universe in which my life took a very different path. I picture a world in which I wasn't a klutz, I had talent, and I had the support and resources available in order to bring my kindergarten tumbling to an Olympic level. Really, this is only one of the many alternate universes that my imagination visits from time to time, but perhaps this one is a place that seems familiar to you. Maybe we all dream of Olympic gold, through one path or another.
And while I never cared to do more than occasionally dream about being a world-class gymnast, I haven't stopped admiring those who had the talent, put in the work, and realized their dream. I find it so absolutely inspiring. I think that a lot of us have grown up with that inspiration. Who, for example, could forget Atlanta in 1996, when Kerri Strug landed that magnificent vault on only one leg?
I was still in grade school when I first saw that happen, but man, that still gives me chills. Kerri Strug had trained all of her life for something that would be over in a matter of seconds. Gymnasts, as you know, have only a small window of time when they will be physically capable of doing the super-human tasks they perform, and Kerri had to be at the very end of her career. Just one last vault, and that would be the end of everything she worked for.
And she nailed it.
But, as you can see, it didn't come without a cost. She began her last vault already injured, and she had to know that the impact of running, vaulting, and landing would give her excruciating pain. But she went for it. And while she did end up collapsing in agony, she managed to stick it out long enough to fulfill her dreams. How can you not admire that?
And I think about that, and I look at my life and the challenges I face. While my life seems daunting, it seems bland and uneventful next to an Olympic career. Sure, things are really hard. Sure, some days I'm not sure how I'm going to make it to the next. But I don't have the whole world watching. And I don't have that kind of pressure on me. I don't have to spend my whole life preparing for one short moment that might never happen.
Or do I?
Because while nothing I've ever done would merit the attention of the world, a lot of the pivotal moments in my life have happened in the same time it took Kerri to complete that vault. Sometimes, that's all the time it took for me to say the wrong thing, or give up, or to stand up for something I believe in, or to actually commit. Sometimes it took me the space of that vault to realize something so crucial that it caused a paradigm shift deep within me. And these moments, some of failure and some of triumph, ended up the way they did because of a thousand little actions I'd made over the course of my life. Sometimes these pivotal moments have come at me so fast that the difference between winning and losing is the character that I've developed over the years. It's who I really am and what I really believe and what I'm actually willing to do when it counts. It's the courage and faith that I have mounted against my fears and insecurities, and it's not until one short moment that I find out which part of me in going to win out.
And I'd like to say that when I find myself in one of those crucial moments, I act the way Kerri Strug did, giving it everything I have, committing every ounce of energy and every drop of experience in the hope that it will be enough. I'd like to be the person who can run at life's challenges head on and give it everything I've got until victory has been achieved. And I'd like to be the person who does it knowing that when it's all over, I might end up on my knees. Giving all I've got might mean that I have nothing left, but even if I have to crawl off of the mat, I go as a victor. That's the kind of person I'd like to be.
And that's something I can have in common with the Cecily who lives in that alternate universe, who is already retired and has a gold medal (okay, several gold medals) hanging on the wall. Maybe if I have that same kind of determination, if I spend a lifetime preparing to become a certain kind of person who has a specific set of qualities, and if I can pull out a victory in those crucial moments, I can have that same kind of glory that Olympic Gymnast Cecily has. The medal might be out of reach, but that Olympic character isn't.
I can defeat that fear. I can achieve that victory.
I can land that vault.
But what I can't do is waste my time. I can't stop bettering myself. I can't stop preparing myself to be the kind of person that can achieve victory. I just can't do that.
Because otherwise, how can I bring home the gold?
Regards, best wishes, and victory,
-Cecily Jane
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
God, Young Cecily, and the Art of Listening
My Dear Reader,
I often wonder how amusing my relationship with God is to my friends who don't believe in Him. It must be strange to hear me talk about God the way I talk about other people who also happen to exist. But I've known since I was very young that God is real, and that when I talk to Him, He listens. And sometimes, He answers.
And I think that something that proves God's existence above all else is how little He does what I expect Him to do.
For example, I'm pretty sure that if my sixteen-year-old self could see me now, she would ask me three questions:
1. Did you get into BYU?
2. Did you go on a mission to Australia?
3. Are you married?
And it kind of hurts to realize that at the age of twenty-six, I've only taken care of one of my three biggest life goals. I doubt that showing her a copy of my diploma would soothe her great disappointment in me.
I probably spend too much time thinking about the conversation we would have on the subject. I'm not sure how I would help her understand why I chose to serve missionaries food instead of becoming one myself, and why I didn't find a suitable Mormon mate while attending a university that had around fifteen thousand to choose from. And the more that I think about it, the more I know I would have to tell her that it's just not what God wanted me to do.
And I'd have to tell her all about the thousands of conversations that God and I have had in the past ten years, and how most of them didn't go the way I wanted them to.
Because if I'm honest, I'd have to say that most of the time I don't really want to know what God has to say as much as I just want God to pat me on the back and tell me that I'm pretty smart.
And when I do get answers, they are usually not the kind I want to hear. God, I have learned, does not bother with people-pleasing or patronizing. He just tells you the truth, even when it hurts.
I could tell my sixteen-year-old self about the way I pleaded with the Lord to let me serve Him by giving up everything and becoming a full-time missionary. I could express to her how I had such a great desire that even though I didn't get an answer right away, I started preparing for it. But eventually, I'd have to tell her that even though I took a missionary prep class, even though I had three returned missionaries as roommates, and even though I was working at the Missionary Training Center, and even after asking every night for over a year, I still didn't have an answer.
At that point in my life, I was so spiritually exhausted that I stopped caring, not about going on a mission, but about being right. Instead of telling God that I was going on a mission and asking for His stamp of approval, I actually started asking Him what He wanted me to do, and I actually started listening. I opened myself up to receive whatever it was God had to tell me.
And I got a clear and concise answer: NO.
So I didn't go. So I spent the next six months helping the missionary effort the best way I could, by keeping my job at the MTC and feeding the people who were doing what I couldn't. But then I would have to make my sixteen-year-old self understand that after a few months of full-time dishwashing, I stopped wondering why I wasn't good enough, and started to accept that there was a different way for me to go than the way I'd always planned. Then I had to convince my parents, which presented its own challenges.
Sometimes, no matter what choices you've made, it's a struggle just to not feel like a failure.
And then, when my sixteen-year-old self is satisfied with that, and asks me why I'm single, and why I stay in an environment where the eligible bachelors apparently find me repulsive, I think that answer would be a little harder to give. All I can really tell her is that whenever I tell God I'm fed up with it and all I want to do is leave, He is very clear that I'm supposed to stay put. And I really don't have any idea why, really. I try not to see this whole thing as a punishment for something that sixteen-year-old did. I try not to see my life as a giant waiting room. I try to remind myself that when I was standing at the mouth of Hell, God was the one who pulled me out. I try to remind myself that God has earned my trust a thousand times over, and that trust requires patience.
Because He usually doesn't answer my prayers right away. Not specifically. Mostly, as I pray, I feel the calm reassurance that I am loved. But when I ask Him what to do, or where to go, or if it's okay for me to just give up, it usually takes a while for me to get a straight answer from Him. Sometimes, it literally takes years. And sometimes it takes years because I've forgotten to listen, and I've forgotten that the shortest path to truth is accepting the possibility that I could be wrong.
I wonder how many times I'll have to re-learn that.
And as much as that young me would be disappointed in the person I now am, I would like to hope that I could move past that and tell her that everything in her life is going to work out. I wish I could tell her that the years she has in front of her are going to be hard, and that even though she is already well-acquainted with darkness and pain, things are about to get a whole lot worse. But then, I'd tell her, things are going to work out. Because I know that she will find a strength in herself that she never knew she had. She will fall into the bottom of a pit and manage to climb her way out again. She will find a spark of hope inside a windstorm of despair and manage to keep it burning. And she will do it using the power she will find in prayer. She will do it because she will become desperate enough to listen to God and trust Him. And together, both she and God will get through the next ten years. And she will be much, much better for the sorrow and pain. She will be better than she ever thought she could be.
And really, I would explain to her, that's worth a lot more than a name tag or a wedding ring. Those things can always come later, but her next ten years need to be focused on something else.
But I would tell her that above all, she needs to keep asking and listening. She needs to keep striving for something better and purer. She just needs to keep moving forward, and she'll come out ahead.
And then, after I've imagined this whole fictional conversation with the person I was in the past, I try to picture a conversation with the people I will be in the future. What would my thirty-six-, forty-six-, and fifty-six-year-old selves say? Would they say the same thing? Would they tell me to keep asking, listening, and fighting? Would they tell me that everything's going to be okay? Would they have found a better way to overcome the challenges I face? Are they any better at getting direction and finding purpose? Because as far as I've come, I've got a long, long way to go. There is such a distance between the person I am and the person I want to be that I honestly scares me. Sometimes I'm a little more than certain that I'm never going to make it.
But then, I know a sixteen-year-old who never thought she'd make it, and look how she turned out.
And look at all the things she's learned, and all the skills she's developed, and all of the strength she's gained. Look at the power she gets from the sure knowledge that God is real and on her side.
Maybe the future isn't so bleak after all.
So, you know, we'll see.
Regards, best wishes, and the will to ask, listen, and fight,
-Cecily Jane
I often wonder how amusing my relationship with God is to my friends who don't believe in Him. It must be strange to hear me talk about God the way I talk about other people who also happen to exist. But I've known since I was very young that God is real, and that when I talk to Him, He listens. And sometimes, He answers.
And I think that something that proves God's existence above all else is how little He does what I expect Him to do.
For example, I'm pretty sure that if my sixteen-year-old self could see me now, she would ask me three questions:
1. Did you get into BYU?
2. Did you go on a mission to Australia?
3. Are you married?
And it kind of hurts to realize that at the age of twenty-six, I've only taken care of one of my three biggest life goals. I doubt that showing her a copy of my diploma would soothe her great disappointment in me.
I probably spend too much time thinking about the conversation we would have on the subject. I'm not sure how I would help her understand why I chose to serve missionaries food instead of becoming one myself, and why I didn't find a suitable Mormon mate while attending a university that had around fifteen thousand to choose from. And the more that I think about it, the more I know I would have to tell her that it's just not what God wanted me to do.
And I'd have to tell her all about the thousands of conversations that God and I have had in the past ten years, and how most of them didn't go the way I wanted them to.
Because if I'm honest, I'd have to say that most of the time I don't really want to know what God has to say as much as I just want God to pat me on the back and tell me that I'm pretty smart.
And when I do get answers, they are usually not the kind I want to hear. God, I have learned, does not bother with people-pleasing or patronizing. He just tells you the truth, even when it hurts.
I could tell my sixteen-year-old self about the way I pleaded with the Lord to let me serve Him by giving up everything and becoming a full-time missionary. I could express to her how I had such a great desire that even though I didn't get an answer right away, I started preparing for it. But eventually, I'd have to tell her that even though I took a missionary prep class, even though I had three returned missionaries as roommates, and even though I was working at the Missionary Training Center, and even after asking every night for over a year, I still didn't have an answer.
At that point in my life, I was so spiritually exhausted that I stopped caring, not about going on a mission, but about being right. Instead of telling God that I was going on a mission and asking for His stamp of approval, I actually started asking Him what He wanted me to do, and I actually started listening. I opened myself up to receive whatever it was God had to tell me.
And I got a clear and concise answer: NO.
So I didn't go. So I spent the next six months helping the missionary effort the best way I could, by keeping my job at the MTC and feeding the people who were doing what I couldn't. But then I would have to make my sixteen-year-old self understand that after a few months of full-time dishwashing, I stopped wondering why I wasn't good enough, and started to accept that there was a different way for me to go than the way I'd always planned. Then I had to convince my parents, which presented its own challenges.
Sometimes, no matter what choices you've made, it's a struggle just to not feel like a failure.
And then, when my sixteen-year-old self is satisfied with that, and asks me why I'm single, and why I stay in an environment where the eligible bachelors apparently find me repulsive, I think that answer would be a little harder to give. All I can really tell her is that whenever I tell God I'm fed up with it and all I want to do is leave, He is very clear that I'm supposed to stay put. And I really don't have any idea why, really. I try not to see this whole thing as a punishment for something that sixteen-year-old did. I try not to see my life as a giant waiting room. I try to remind myself that when I was standing at the mouth of Hell, God was the one who pulled me out. I try to remind myself that God has earned my trust a thousand times over, and that trust requires patience.
Because He usually doesn't answer my prayers right away. Not specifically. Mostly, as I pray, I feel the calm reassurance that I am loved. But when I ask Him what to do, or where to go, or if it's okay for me to just give up, it usually takes a while for me to get a straight answer from Him. Sometimes, it literally takes years. And sometimes it takes years because I've forgotten to listen, and I've forgotten that the shortest path to truth is accepting the possibility that I could be wrong.
I wonder how many times I'll have to re-learn that.
And as much as that young me would be disappointed in the person I now am, I would like to hope that I could move past that and tell her that everything in her life is going to work out. I wish I could tell her that the years she has in front of her are going to be hard, and that even though she is already well-acquainted with darkness and pain, things are about to get a whole lot worse. But then, I'd tell her, things are going to work out. Because I know that she will find a strength in herself that she never knew she had. She will fall into the bottom of a pit and manage to climb her way out again. She will find a spark of hope inside a windstorm of despair and manage to keep it burning. And she will do it using the power she will find in prayer. She will do it because she will become desperate enough to listen to God and trust Him. And together, both she and God will get through the next ten years. And she will be much, much better for the sorrow and pain. She will be better than she ever thought she could be.
And really, I would explain to her, that's worth a lot more than a name tag or a wedding ring. Those things can always come later, but her next ten years need to be focused on something else.
But I would tell her that above all, she needs to keep asking and listening. She needs to keep striving for something better and purer. She just needs to keep moving forward, and she'll come out ahead.
And then, after I've imagined this whole fictional conversation with the person I was in the past, I try to picture a conversation with the people I will be in the future. What would my thirty-six-, forty-six-, and fifty-six-year-old selves say? Would they say the same thing? Would they tell me to keep asking, listening, and fighting? Would they tell me that everything's going to be okay? Would they have found a better way to overcome the challenges I face? Are they any better at getting direction and finding purpose? Because as far as I've come, I've got a long, long way to go. There is such a distance between the person I am and the person I want to be that I honestly scares me. Sometimes I'm a little more than certain that I'm never going to make it.
But then, I know a sixteen-year-old who never thought she'd make it, and look how she turned out.
And look at all the things she's learned, and all the skills she's developed, and all of the strength she's gained. Look at the power she gets from the sure knowledge that God is real and on her side.
Maybe the future isn't so bleak after all.
So, you know, we'll see.
Regards, best wishes, and the will to ask, listen, and fight,
-Cecily Jane
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
How to Poison Yourself: A Guide
My Dear Reader,
I know that I always say this, but sorry about the lack of recent posts. I've been trying to get back to my previous reliability, but I'm not there yet. Mostly because I really have not been up for writing lately.
And I haven't been up for writing because I've felt really, really awful.
I mean, I've just felt absolutely lousy. I've had horrible headaches and nausea with varying degrees of intensity, but mostly I've been drained all of my energy to the point where I wanted to do nothing but watch the entire series of Wings from start to finish.
Which I did.
And the funny thing was that for the majority of this period, I knew that I wasn't sick. I would occasionally feel fine, and then later the same day, go back to feeling like my brain was trying to escape through my ears. And really, when you already feel drained, and then you have to lead a normal life as if you weren't, you don't have the energy to try to figure out what's wrong. You just go to the internet and say, "Entertain me, for I am too tired to think."
Which, of course, means that I wasn't paying much attention to my health as much as I was just trying to get through another day.
I'm sure you're familiar with the idiom of putting something on the back burner. My life, especially now, seems like a stove with thousands of burners, each simmering one concoction or another. This stove contains everything I'm trying to work on, creatively, spiritually, financially, professionally, personally, psychologically, and so on. I'm trying to turn into an insurance agent, but I'm also trying to pay my bills, learn to play the ukulele, make new friends, train for a 5K, grow and sell flowers, edit a novel, write three other novels, keep in touch with my friends, do my laundry, read, deepen my commitment to my faith, eat, and about a million other things. All of them are contained in a pot on that metaphorical stove I've got. Unfortunately, all of these things require my attention, and it's hard to stir more than two pots at once. So some of them get neglected for a while.
But I'm not always the best at choosing which pot to stir when. The "watching Wings" pot, for example, has obviously gotten more than its fair share of attention lately, while my laundry pot hardly ever actually manages to get stirred.
And while in real life, pots on a stove are separate and contained, many of my metaphorical pots are connected. I want to pay my bills, so I've been growing marigolds on my windowsill* with the hope of selling them to make some extra cash. But growing things really needs a burner of its own, right? Because I have to figure out the how, what, when, and where of it. And I have to make sure that they stay alive.
I'm telling you; it's hard enough to keep myself alive these days.
And sometimes, these pots on all these burners have connections that you don't even realize until it almost destroys you.
For example, I had several ideas as to why my head and my stomach were staging a revolt, most of them involving a brain tumor. But it wasn't until last week that I had enough spare brain matter to realize that:
1. My symptoms were the worst during the early morning and late at night
2. These are the times when I'm usually in my room, or specifically, in bed
3. I happened to be growing dozens of marigolds on a windowsill right by my bed
4. Marigolds are a common allergen
Therefore:
5. I'm probably allergic to marigolds.
And:
6. If I wasn't aware that I had a marigold allergy, and the marigolds were developing slowly enough that it was hard to notice the gradual deterioration of my sanity, it could create a very uncomfortable situation.
I can tell you, it's weird when you realize that you have been accidentally poisoning yourself. I'm still not sure what to make of it. But I am sure that:
1. My health should probably be on one of the from burners
2. Those marigolds need to go on a different burner altogether. One that is not so close to my respiratory system.
Once that is taken care of, I'm hoping I'll have some energy to stir my other pots. Like the one for my blog posts.
Darn marigolds!
Regards, best wishes, and a breath of fresh air,
-Cecily Jane
*If you're curious, I'm pretty much doing the thing I wrote about here. Except this time, it's working, because I remember to water them.I know, right?
I know that I always say this, but sorry about the lack of recent posts. I've been trying to get back to my previous reliability, but I'm not there yet. Mostly because I really have not been up for writing lately.
And I haven't been up for writing because I've felt really, really awful.
I mean, I've just felt absolutely lousy. I've had horrible headaches and nausea with varying degrees of intensity, but mostly I've been drained all of my energy to the point where I wanted to do nothing but watch the entire series of Wings from start to finish.
Which I did.
And the funny thing was that for the majority of this period, I knew that I wasn't sick. I would occasionally feel fine, and then later the same day, go back to feeling like my brain was trying to escape through my ears. And really, when you already feel drained, and then you have to lead a normal life as if you weren't, you don't have the energy to try to figure out what's wrong. You just go to the internet and say, "Entertain me, for I am too tired to think."
Which, of course, means that I wasn't paying much attention to my health as much as I was just trying to get through another day.
I'm sure you're familiar with the idiom of putting something on the back burner. My life, especially now, seems like a stove with thousands of burners, each simmering one concoction or another. This stove contains everything I'm trying to work on, creatively, spiritually, financially, professionally, personally, psychologically, and so on. I'm trying to turn into an insurance agent, but I'm also trying to pay my bills, learn to play the ukulele, make new friends, train for a 5K, grow and sell flowers, edit a novel, write three other novels, keep in touch with my friends, do my laundry, read, deepen my commitment to my faith, eat, and about a million other things. All of them are contained in a pot on that metaphorical stove I've got. Unfortunately, all of these things require my attention, and it's hard to stir more than two pots at once. So some of them get neglected for a while.
But I'm not always the best at choosing which pot to stir when. The "watching Wings" pot, for example, has obviously gotten more than its fair share of attention lately, while my laundry pot hardly ever actually manages to get stirred.
And while in real life, pots on a stove are separate and contained, many of my metaphorical pots are connected. I want to pay my bills, so I've been growing marigolds on my windowsill* with the hope of selling them to make some extra cash. But growing things really needs a burner of its own, right? Because I have to figure out the how, what, when, and where of it. And I have to make sure that they stay alive.
I'm telling you; it's hard enough to keep myself alive these days.
And sometimes, these pots on all these burners have connections that you don't even realize until it almost destroys you.
For example, I had several ideas as to why my head and my stomach were staging a revolt, most of them involving a brain tumor. But it wasn't until last week that I had enough spare brain matter to realize that:
1. My symptoms were the worst during the early morning and late at night
2. These are the times when I'm usually in my room, or specifically, in bed
3. I happened to be growing dozens of marigolds on a windowsill right by my bed
4. Marigolds are a common allergen
Therefore:
5. I'm probably allergic to marigolds.
And:
6. If I wasn't aware that I had a marigold allergy, and the marigolds were developing slowly enough that it was hard to notice the gradual deterioration of my sanity, it could create a very uncomfortable situation.
I can tell you, it's weird when you realize that you have been accidentally poisoning yourself. I'm still not sure what to make of it. But I am sure that:
1. My health should probably be on one of the from burners
2. Those marigolds need to go on a different burner altogether. One that is not so close to my respiratory system.
Once that is taken care of, I'm hoping I'll have some energy to stir my other pots. Like the one for my blog posts.
Darn marigolds!
Regards, best wishes, and a breath of fresh air,
-Cecily Jane
*If you're curious, I'm pretty much doing the thing I wrote about here. Except this time, it's working, because I remember to water them.I know, right?
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