Tuesday, February 3, 2009

The Mormon-Other Faith Dictionary, Young Women Edition

My Dear Reader,

If you would like to learn a little about Mormonism, or of you are looking for a way to explain your faith to those who believe otherwise, I have compiled a list of some terms and explanations that should ease the process. This first batch contains the definitions that relate to the Young Women of the Church, and there is more to come.



The Mormon-Other Faith Dictionary: Young Women Edition

Deacon: N. 1. The lowest office in the clergy, an unpaid position. 2. A Mormon male who is generally twelve or thirteen years old and is found worthy to be ordained into the office. 3. Someone of the male sex who is unbelievably immature.

Teacher: N. 1. The second-lowest office in the clergy, also unpaid, and rarely requires teaching. 2. A Mormon male who is generally fourteen or fifteen years old and is found worthy to be ordained into the office. 3. One who teaches, as in a lesson.

Priest: N. 1. The office higher than Teacher in the clergy, also unpaid. 2. A Mormon male who is generally sixteen or seventeen years old and is found worthy to be ordained into the office and is in charge of things.

Young Women: N. 1. Mormon women who are older than eleven and younger than eighteen. 2. The organization which encompasses these young women, offering a compulsory one-hour meeting on Sundays and compulsory one-to-two-hour meetings one night during the week.
Beehive: N. 1. A Mormon female who is twelve or thirteen years old. 2. Someone of the female sex who is unbelievably immature, esp. if she is irritatingly peppy and talks too much.
Mia Maid: N. 1. A Mormon female who is fourteen or fifteen years old, "Mia" being the initials the old name of their organization, the Mutual Improvement Association.
Laurel: N. 1. A Mormon female who is sixteen or seventeen years old, esp. if she believes that she rules the world.
Calling: N. An unpaid position in the Church, usually at the local level. Every Mormon over the age of eighteen is supposed to have one calling or another, though some get them earlier. All callings are technically considered equal, despite the fact that the church is comprised of imperfect people living in a class-conscious environment.
Beehive Presidency: N. Beehives who have absolutely no authority or responsibility whatsoever, except for giving ideas about selected activities. This position exists primarily so the beehives will stop whining about adults running and ruining their lives.

Mia Maid Presidency: N. Mia Maids who have absolutely no authority or responsibility whatsoever, except for planning two activities a month. This position exists primarily so the Mia Maids will stop whining about how lame the activities are.
Laurel Presidency: N. Laurels who have the responsibility of planning activities, conducting meetings, and deciding who gets to pray. This position exists primarily in the hope that these girls will learn something about responsibility.
EFY: N. Especially For Youth, a week-long Church camp held at college campuses across the nation in which the more pretentious Mormon youth can be among their own kind. Attending EFY is very desirable for Mormon youth who want to be around other Mormon youths, but is even more desirable for parents who want their Mormon teens to see what good kids look like.
Seminary: N. 1. A four-year-long program in which Mormon high schoolers are forced to take time out of their daily schedule (usually during the "sleep" portion) and go to a class five times a week, with the main purpose to encourage them to finally do some serious studying of the Scriptures.
Regards, best wishes, and teen girls,
-Cecily Jane

4 comments:

Kelly said...

I loved that. It was great.

Allison Harris said...

Isn't it weird to think of our little brother Nathan as a "clergyman"?

Anonymous said...

YW activities are lame only to lame YW MJH

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