People Aren't Supposed to Be This Honest

My Dear Reader,

If I know you, I love you.

If I've met you once, and we never spoke again, I still love you.

If you don't want me dead, I consider you my friend. If you are generally pleased with the fact that I'm alive, you are my good friend.

If you and I knew each other a long time ago, and you really hurt me, I will remember all of the bad things you did to me only when I'm in a deep, dark place. At all other times, I only remember the best parts of you.

If you hurt me in the past and you want to be friends, I will first need to know that you aren't going to hurt me again. You will have to be very convincing.

If you've lost my trust, you will probably never get it back. At least, no one has yet. I still love you with all my heart.

If you're in trouble, I will try to help you, but I will also be afraid of making things worse. If I know you, I've already spent days agonizing over how to help you.

If I know you're in trouble, I don't know how to help you and/or you hate my guts, I'm praying for you every night. I'm praying that you will find a way to be happy, and that I will find a way to.

If you hate me, I am desperate to find a way to be friends, but I'm not going to punish myself by staying where I'm not wanted.

If you hurt, I physically hurt for you. This is not a metaphor. Once, when my friend was having foot surgery, I found myself limping for no medical reason.

I expect that you will one day betray me. It hurts more when you do.

I doubt everything. I doubt that up is really up, and that down is really down. I doubt that the sun will rise in the morning. I doubt that you could ever love me, even if you show me every day that you do.

When you tell me that you love me, I try really hard to believe you. Mostly I just try to trust you because I know that you're not a liar.

If you have some habit that really annoys me, I'll keep my distance from you. I still love you and think that you are a fantastic human being. I just can't stand certain mannerisms, and I don't understand why.

I have an irrational fear that I've done something to hurt you, and you now secretly hate me. It's silly, yet devastating.

If you are a guy, I don't believe that you could ever be interested in dating me. Even if you tell me that you are. Even if I'm in love with you.

If you are kind to me, I tell everyone how great you are behind your back.

If someone is unkind to you, I will defend you. Even if you started it.

If you are doing something wrong, I will tell you. I can't abide to stand by and watch you hurt yourself or others.

If you love something, I will try to love it, too. If I can't, I will love that you love it.

If you start dating someone, I will secretly hate them until they prove themselves worthy of you. The bar is set high.

If someone hurts you, I will stop them. Then, I'll despise them for all eternity and occasionally plan their downfall.

I am constantly trying not to bother you.

If we haven't spoken in a long time because of some of the choices you've made, I still love you. It breaks my heart that we can't be closer.

If you want to come back, I will be your ambassador.

You can never do something to stop me from loving you.

No matter what you do, I will never give up on you. I don't know how.

Because, like I said, if I know you, I love you.

Unless you've tried to hurt my little sister. Then I will tear you to pieces.


Regards, best wishes, and no expectation that you will return any of this,

-Cecily Jane