All I Needed to Know About Men I Learned from Jane Austen, Part 3: Mr. Collins

"Do not consider me now as an elegant female, intending to plague you, but as a rational creature, speaking the truth from her heart." (Pride and Prejudice, Chapter 19)

My Dear Reader,

Last week, we learned all about Mr. Wickham, the master of deception.

Mr. Collins, in contrast, always believes that he is telling the truth. In fact, Mr. Collins believes that everything he says is witty, well-spoken, and revealing of the true nature of the human condition.

The only problem is that Mr. Collins is so self-absorbed that in his mind, he is the best that humanity has to offer. He has constructed an entire reality in which he is a god.

Collinses are sometimes hard to spot, because they all define "best" a little differently. Some of them think they have an unsurpassable intelligence. Others think that they have a face and body that would make a grown woman weep. Some just think they're superior because they happen to be male. Others think they are great because they have suffered a great deal. The worst of all Collinses are the ones that believe that they are better than other people because they are the most righteous. Only a truly deluded individual could miss that oxymoron.

When coming in contact with a Mr. Collins, the best case scenario is that they do not like you. Since a Collins thinks of himself a god, being unattractive to him makes you (in his eyes) an unworthy and rather repulsive creature. Sure, it means that he sees you as garbage and will treat you accordingly, but that treatment is preferable to being liked by such a proud fool. At least, aside from a few uncharitable comments, he will largely leave you alone.

When they like you, Collinses are almost worse than Wickhams because they don't just want to play with you, they believe that they deserve you. To a Mr. Collins, you are simply the trophy that he gets for being the best. He may shower you with praise, but do not be fooled. In a very twisted way, this is only Collins praising himself. By raising you on a pedestal, he is making himself the man worthy of such a divine individual. He is merely feeding his own delusion.

It doesn't matter to him that you find his hubris repulsive. (Hopefully, you do!) Your choices are not a part of his consideration; he owns you now. You exist only to reward his excellence. It may be difficult to convince a Collins that you have the right to make your own decisions, and perhaps even harder to make him believe that you do not find him as attractive as he finds himself. For this reason, he is almost impossible to get rid of, because a Mr. Collins is nothing if not persistent.

This, of course, brings you quite the dilemma. How can you get him to leave you alone if he won't listen to you? You may be tempted to be harsh, and this is usually my approach. It is very tempting to shatter that fantasy of his. But Jane Austen went a different (and perhaps better) route. When Mr. Collins proposes to Elizabeth, and refuses to believe her rejection, Elizabeth does not cut him down to size. Instead, she makes herself less desirable without actually being self-deprecating.

When Elizabeth turns down his proposal, Mr. Collins believes that Elizabeth has rejected him as part of a mind game. Perhaps he sees these kind of women as sophisticated and desirable. Elizabeth, however, greatly prefers sarcasm to mind games. So, she tells him the absolute truth: she is not the kind of wife he wants. Elizabeth is not concerned enough about outward appearances to make for a good trophy. She does not care about impressing people with fancy skills or lavish clothes; she cares about her family.

Really, they would both be miserable.

Elizabeth says, in effect, "I'm not the person you think I am (and that's probably a good thing)," and Mr. Collins backs down. In Beauty and the Beast, Belle uses a similar, yet snarkier approach with Gaston (a Mr. Collins if there ever was one), with little success. I don't think that Collinses are particularly good at deciphering snark.

Any sarcasm would have been completely lost on Mr. Collins. But apparently, Mr. Collins also has a hard time with the truth, because he still refuses to believe her. So, as a last resort, Elizabeth turns to a higher authority who Mr. Collins respects: her father. It is only then that Elizabeth can be set free.

Everybody has a boss. If you can find Mr. Collins's boss and get him/her on your side, you have a nice little escape hatch.

Collinses are everywhere. I've met far more Collinses than I have Wickhams. They seem to be everywhere I turn. Luckily for me, when it comes to men, I am very skilled at the art of escaping.

Regards, best wishes, and a mate who actually respects you,

-Cecily Jane

All I Needed to Know About Men I Learned from Jane Austen, Part 2: Mr. Wickham

"Mr. Wickham is blessed with such happy manners as may ensure his making friends—whether he may be equally capable of retaining them, is less certain."

-Pride and Prejudice, Chapter 18

My Dear Reader,

If you're not sure what this is, make sure you read the intro.

When Pride and Prejudice's protagonist Elizabeth Bennet first meets Mr. Wickham, she is very taken with him. In a world where she is rarely appreciated, he makes her feel special. What she doesn't know, of course, is that a Mr. Wickham is never, never a good thing.

From a literary standpoint, Mr. Wickham shares elements with a lot of characters in the romance genre. Essentially, he's the bad boy. He is the kind of person who believes that rules do not apply to him, which gives him an illusion of strength. This becomes dangerous because it plays into the cavewoman instinct. If he is strong enough to buck the system, this cavewoman instinct tells you that he is strong enough to protect you. This is not the case.

Still, we all fall for it. Until we don't.

Because eventually, via the school of hard knocks, we learn that Mr. Wickham is actually a coward. He doesn't rebel against the rules because he is serving some higher cause; he is rebelling against the rules because he doesn't have the spine to become a productive member of society. While he appears to be rebelling, he is really in constant retreat. He will come to a new place, wreak havoc, and leave when it becomes uncomfortable.

A Mr. Wickham is always running from his past.

A Mr. Wickham is a man who prefers it if other people suffer the consequences of his actions.

A Mr. Wickham is a man who thinks that the world (including you) exists just for his amusement. He likes to be pleased, and is therefore always seeking pleasure.

Most importantly, Wickham is a master of deception. He likes being liked, and is very good at it. He is charming enough to make you think that he is good, and then when he gains your trust, he tells you lies that you willingly believe. This way, he can move you like a chess piece on a board, manipulating you into doing things that will help him keep up the scam he's running. Eventually, he loses interest and disappears. And when that happens, you will find that he has left you in a very, very bad place.

At first, of course, it's hard to see any of this. He isn't some element of destruction; he's your ally. He forges this alliance by strategically hating things that you also hate. This puts you on the same team. He can do this with such subtlety that you feel like you have a duty to be loyal to him. You feel like you have to hate what he hates. And a Mr. Wickham always hates something.

He makes sure that you think he is shy about it, of course. He wants you to think that he is a positive influence in your life. So, he gets you to coerce him to spill. And when he finally tells his story, he is careful to make himself a victim, so that you will feel the need to comfort him. He tells you one sad story, and you suddenly find yourself with a new enemy. Suddenly, you find yourself with a need to put your new enemy in his/her place. You want to protect and avenge him.

But, of course, Mr. Wickham can't allow that. If you confront his villain, you will quickly find out that he has told you a great pack of lies. He has not told these lies so that you will fight for him; Mr. Wickham has told them in order to separate you from the one person who can expose him as the scoundrel that he is.

It's an old, but very effective trick. Say Mr. Wickham likes two girls, and wants to date them at the same time. So he goes to Girl 1 and tells her that he really loves her, but he is obligated to spend time with Girl 2, who is ugly and boring. Then he goes to Girl 2 and tells her that she is this one true love, but this Girl 1 chick is obsessed with him and won't just leave him alone. So, naturally, Girl 1 and 2 are repulsed by each other. This is exactly what Mr. Wickham wants. The second these two girls actually have a conversation, they will realize that they've been had. Mr. Wickham can't have that.

It would be too hard to swallow if this hadn't literally happened to several friends of mine. Mr. Wickhams are everywhere.

And they all work the same con: to get you to trust him, and only him. He can even get you to the point where you believe that it is you and him against the world. He can get you to see an enemy everywhere you turn. That way, when people try to warn you of his dark secrets, you will not believe them. That way, he can do whatever he likes with you.

But this house of cards he has built will not last long. At some point, one of them will refuse to hold the rest of the weight, and the whole thing falls to pieces. Someone from his past will show up and spread his recent exploits, or someone will be smart enough to realize that they are being manipulated. Sometimes, all it takes is someone being at the wrong place at the right time. However it happens, it is inevitable.

And when it does, the best case scenario is that only Girl 1 and Girl 2 have been victims. In Pride and Prejudice, the original Mr. Wickham managed to victimize an entire town before anyone got wise. He was so good at isolating people that they had no idea that their friends and neighbors were victims because no one was willing to compare notes.

But luckily, Jane Austen has taught us that this very tactic of isolation is what makes a Wickham easy to spot. It's natural for most couples to start falling off the face of the Earth while they're falling in love with each other, but if your boyfriend is getting you to revile and avoid people, you need to ask yourself what he's hiding from you. Because if he's filling your heart with trust for him and suspicion for everyone else, he is most certainly a Wickham.

And, he will leave you. The moment he is outed, he will pack his bags and vanish. If he gets bored, he may leave even sooner. And when he abandons you, you will have lost the only person you trusted, and you will understand that he was not worth trusting. And unless you are very, very lucky, that will tear you apart.

So, the way I see it, you need to learn how to spot a Wickham, and when you spot one, you need to take your loved ones and run for your life.

It's a lot easier than having to pick up the pieces.

Now, you want a guy who will tell you the truth and be almost impossible to get rid of? Next time, when we discuss Mr. Collins, I'm sure you will get your fill.

Regards, best wishes, and someone you can trust,

-Cecily Jane

All I Needed to Know About Men I Learned from Jane Austen, Part 1: Introduction

My Dear Reader,

I realize that there are a lot of people who do not understand the fascination that people like me have with Jane Austen. To be brief: she speaks the truth. She is a writer who captured relationships and human nature in a way that most authors can't.

In a way, she reminds me of Charles Dickens. Before Dickens, books were about the rich. But Dickens grew up as a poor child. He understood the poor, and he wrote about them in a way that got attention. In a culture obsessed with social class, Dickens offered the higher classes an unprecedented glimpse into the lives of the poor. Ironically enough, he had to hide his poor upbringing because it would have killed his credibility, but the deeper you go into the writing, the deeper you go into the soul of the boy in rags who was brilliant and talented enough to make his fortune. The more you read Dickens, the more you realize that Dickens is telling his own story in code.

Jane Austen, in comparison, was not especially poor, and not especially interested in writing about the poor. She was, however, a single woman in a culture where being single wasn't exactly an option. Austen's tales of romance are compelling and timeless because she was a talented author writing about a subject that she uniquely understood. She knew what it was like to be shoved at suitors who were less than desirable and to be snubbed by men of means. She knew what it was like when you either had to marry an idiot or lose the farm. And, through her own experiences and those of her sister Cassandra, Jane Austen knew what it was like to have heart-wrenching loss that was so soul crushing, it would take more than a lifetime to recover from.

I like to think that she poured these parts of her into her stories, and that by reading them, I get closer to understanding the kind of person Jane Austen was. More importantly, I find that the experiences she describes in her novels are so human, and so relatable, that I kept running into version of her characters in my life. I will explain by way of her most popular creation, Pride and Prejudice, and the four prominent male characters in it: Mr. Wickham, Mr. Collins, Mr Bingley, and Mr. Darcy.

For your convenience, I will be breaking this analysis of Austen up into installments that will be published throughout the next few weeks. Why is Wickham so destructive? How can you escape the clutches of a Mr. Collins? What is heartbreaking about Mr. Bingley? Why is Mr. Darcy so special? Check back and find out!

Regards, best wishes, and happy endings,

-Cecily Jane

What the Heart Wants

My Dear Reader,

I am not the jealous type.

I am the protective type. I like to keep what I have, thankyouverymuch. I don't really enjoy it when people move, break, or take my belongings. I can even get pretty upset about it, depending. But then, I grew up with four younger siblings who liked to periodically come into my room and break anything of value. I guess I just developed a kind of survival mentality that I never got rid of.

But that's things. People are different.

When I was a freshman in high school, I had this rather pathetic crush on this guy in my English class. We talked all the time, and though I was too shy and awkward to make any coherent kind of move, we were great friends, he and I.

Then, he got a girlfriend.

Next thing I knew, all I ever heard from this guy was about this girlfriend he had and how great she was. He just could not shut up about her. I knew his girlfriend vaguely through another class we were in together, so I guess I was a good candidate for this kind of treatment. That, and I hung on every word he said because I was so hung up on him that I was thrilled that he was even speaking to me.

It was like one of those teen movies where the handsome guy ends up with his nerdy and somewhat repulsive friend. Except, of course, I got neither the guy nor the makeover. Instead, I was a good girl who slowly realized that the guy was all wrong for me. I didn't miss the very important fact that he was obviously not interested in me. To him, I might as well have been a particularly sensitive guy with unique access to the girl's locker room. Even my crushy, pudding brain could figure that one out.

Still, my feelings for him didn't go away, nor did my pathetic hopes that one day he would look at me like I was, you know, female. And there was, of course, the fact that our friendship had been established long before this girlfriend showed up. So I guess I should have felt something akin to anger or rage when I saw the two of them holding hands or flirting.

Instead, I felt sad. I just stood there and said to myself, "Yup. That's how it is." And I walked away.

Because that's when I knew that I'd lost, and it was time to give up. Not when he treated me the way he did. Not when I realized that we didn't have the same values. I gave up when I realized that he was aware of me and still chose someone else.

And what? I was supposed to take offense at that? I was supposed to try to win him? No. He made a choice, and that was it. My feelings didn't go away, but they became irrelevant. They certainly didn't give me the right to override his free will.

And perhaps you might say, Gentle Reader, that I am a coward. And I am. When it comes to that point where you're supposed to make that sweeping declaration of love and live happily ever after, I generally don't feel any less awkward or shy than the fourteen-year-old I used to be.

You might also call me a pessimist, and I know for a fact that you're right on that count. I'm creative enough to imagine every scenario in which something can go wrong. There are just too many ways to lose, and I can see them all too clearly.

But if we're going to sit here and examine my flaws, I think it's only fair that we eventually get to a strength or two. And if there's something that I've learned through many similar situations, it's that feelings often lead you astray. There are those who say that the heart wants what the heart wants, and that's mostly true.* But sometimes your heart wants the only thing that will most surely destroy you. Sometimes, you have to take a step back and make a decision to do the opposite of what you want, either for your own good, or for the good of someone else. Even though it really, really hurts.

I've gotten very good at reminding myself that I often deserve better than what my heart wants, because sometimes my heart wants the wrong things. I mean, sometimes, my heart wants nothing more than to find the nearest cliff and jump off of it. And sometimes, my heart wants a romantic relationship with someone who wants a platonic relationship with me.

I've also gotten very good at reminding myself that other people have the right to want the opposite of what I want, and that the best way to be happy is to try to change myself, because it's the only thing that I can change.

I guess I've just spent too much time being shoved in one direction or another. I can't count the amount of times I've been told that I'm supposed to have feelings for someone. I'm not sure how they expect me accomplish that task. You can't just put "Fall in love with So-and-So" on your to-do list and hope it gets done by Friday. So how could I expect that from someone else?

And if I really cared about him, how could I get angry at him for making his own choices?

So, I guess I really don't get this whole jealousy thing at all.

Maybe that's a good thing. Who knows.

Regards, best wishes, and requited love,

-Cecily Jane

*I feel that I'd be careless here if I didn't point out that there is a way to change destructive desires, and that's through the atonement of Jesus Christ. It is real, and I can personally guarantee that it works. It takes a lot of time, a lot of prayer, and a lot of faith, but it works better than you can believe.

Gotta Collect 'Em All, Or Something

My Dear Reader,

I was in junior high when they started making quarters that honored each state. One day, all quarters were the same, and the next, there were these cool new ones with what looked like Paul Revere* on them. I kind of hoarded them. A little. They were just so awesome!

And guess what? There were more of them! There were quarters with trees and ships on them. One even had a peach! It was a pretty exciting time to be a distractible pre-teen.

And I know it wasn't just me, because other people were going crazy for these new quarters, too. My grandpa even went so far as to get me a board that had a slot for every quarter in the series. Lots of people had them. And, like me, lots of people waited in anticipation for the next quarter to be released so that they could gleefully fill another empty slot.

And, like lots of people, I lost interest about two or three years in.

I always figured that I'd finish it eventually. When I got around to it. I mean, it's not like the quarters were going anywhere.

And a few months back when I found that quarter board in a bunch of packed stuff, I didn't really think much of it. Then, a few weeks ago, life threw me a few curve balls that hit me right in the gut. All of a sudden, I had all these problems, and there was nothing I could do to solve them. Sometimes it just happens that way.

An unsolvable problem is complete agony. There is nothing that you can do but hurt, and wait, and hurt some more.

And it's funny how in a situation like that, something trivial can suddenly become very important. Next thing I knew, I was determined to finish that quarter board as soon as possible. I couldn't change the laws of physics or the choices other people made, but I could find South Dakota, by jingo.

Luckily for me, I work at a place with a cash register. Soon, scouring the quarters was an almost hourly routine. To the annoyance of my co-workers, I enthusiastically looked for state after state, and the work went quite quickly. I was able to get a state almost every day, and four or five on good days. By the end of the first week, I'd gotten around forty-five of the fifty states.

I ended up finishing the whole thing before the second week was over.

And when I placed that final quarter (Texas, for those keeping score) in that final slot, I wasn't Cecily the Loser anymore. I was Cecily the Finisher.

Cecily the Solver of Problems.

Cecily the Conqueror.

And that felt pretty good, considering the situation I was in. Sometimes, you just need a challenge, even if it's not very difficult. Sometimes, you just need to remind yourself that you're actually capable of something, even if it's not something important. Sometimes, you just need to win one.

And thanks to a loving grandpa and a fad that died a decade ago, I was able to give myself that small victory. It's the small victories that give you the courage to fight for the big ones.

My problems, of course, have not gone away. They'll be around for a while yet. But guess what? They also made quarters for the six U. S. territories. And they're starting this new ten-year series for state parks. My grandpa even sent me two to get started with.

So I'll chip away at that. And at the other things, when I can.

You don't happen to have a Guam quarter, do you?

Regards, best wishes, and coping mechanisms,

-Cecily Jane

*I didn't even realize until I looked it up that it's actually Caesar Rodney on the Delaware quarter, not Paul Revere. I somehow feel used. Also, Delaware missed out some pretty fantastic symbolism, and that's just unacceptable behavior.

Things That Go Bump in the Night

My Dear Reader,

This story is brought to you by request.

I love the bed that I have. It was given to me by my grandmother, and it's both legitimately vintage and elegantly beautiful. It's the same bed that Padre slept in when he was a little boy.

The only problem is that the mattress that came with it is just as old.

For the past few decades, the bed was used as a secondary guest bed, and until I tried to move it out of their house, I had no idea how bad the mattress truly was. Grandma had put layers and layers of blankets and sheets on top of it, creating a Princess-and-the-Pea*-kind of situation. I'm not quite a princess, so I had always slept on it just fine. When I moved it and had to leave the blankets behind, I was confident that I could handle sleeping on it without the protective barrier.

I'm tough, you know.

Two nights later, exhausted and suffering from a sore back and a mysterious rash, I went to my parents' house and took almost every blanket I could find. They will have no idea until they read this blog post.

That pretty much solved the problem as well as a person as poor as I could solve it.

I tried to save up for a mattress, but between rent and paying off a car, it wasn't easy. So a few months went by, I moved again, and I kept trying to save up to get that new mattress. I mean, after forty-or-so years, who knows what was going on inside that thing. It could have its own ecosystem that supported organisms that were slowly evolving into sentience. My mattress could be the birthplace of the race that would one day supplant humanity as Earth's dominant species.

Yup, that was probably it.

And whether that was the case or not, there was something alive in there, because about two months ago it started biting me.

It was pretty horrible. I went through almost an entire bottle of calamine lotion that week. It was the kind of experience you'd expect to have in a North Korean prison.

Near-sentient or not, it turned out that flea powder wiped them suckers out. I poured enough on my mattress to put down every creepy-crawly thing within thirty feet. And while the mass murder of my unknown assailants was quite a relief, I couldn't exactly sleep on that mattress again.

Luckily, I have a friend who has this uncanny habit of swooping in and saving the day right when I needed help the most, and she miraculously produced a new mattress for me to sleep on. She is the kind of friend I never could deserve.

Now, there is another thing about my bed that I should probably mention. Like most beds, the mattress is supported by a number of removable slats. Unlike most beds, though, mine only has only two slats left. But since I'd never had any problems with them before, I didn't even think that my new, heavier mattress would make any difference.

That was, of course, until a few nights later when I heard a loud thump, and suddenly I was see-sawing on only one slat with my toes about a foot above my head. And if it wasn't two in the morning, if I hadn't been exhausted from attending my church Christmas party, and if putting a mattress back wasn't a two-person job, maybe I would have done something about it right then. But those were not the facts of the matter.

So I just slept like that.

I was on a steep enough incline that all the blood had rushed to my head by the time I woke up. It felt like I had a bad ear infection. But you never know that you have the skill of sleeping head first on a twenty percent grade unless you try, right? Guess I'm pretty tough after all.

I turned out the troublesome slat hadn't broken; it had simply fallen out. So my roommate and I put it back in.

At some point, I'll have to get some new slats to put in my bed frame. But I have other fires to put out, and since things are no longer sucking my blood at night, it's a little low on my priority list. But I am a little wary every time I climb into bed at night, knowing that at any moment, my bed could once again turn into a catapult.

Oh, well.

Regards, best wishes, and restful slumbers,

-Cecily Jane

*That hasn't been made into a Disney movie yet? Pffft. I mean, it's a musical.

2012!

My Dear Reader,

I just want you to know that I've written several drafts of several different posts, because I really feel like I should be blogging regularly again.

I know.

I've said it before, and who knows how long it will take before I make good on my promise. I really should have done what I did when I started this blog: write ten or so posts in advance and schedule them to be automatically posted so I could have a head start. Well, that didn't happen. Not because I didn't have anything to say, but because life has me in a half-nelson right now, and it's just been difficult.

But don't worry, Gentle Reader. It's fine. It's just kind of like God and Satan are playing tug of war with my soul, and the rope around my middle is starting to chafe. That's all. You'll hear more about that later.

Anyway, my goal is to at some point resume my schedule of posting on Tuesdays. And maybe every once and a while, fiction on Fridays.

If you're new to this blog, you should know that it's something of a room of requirement for me. It's where I put stuff when I have nowhere else to put it. That includes everything from short stories that aren't really publishable to a drawn-out explanation of why I like doughnuts.*

But mostly it's a way to sit down, organize my thoughts, and let those thoughts loose on an unsuspecting world. It's my way of taking out a megaphone and saying what I need to say. And you may find that I have more to say than most. But I find when I don't say it here, it just gets tucked away under a rug somewhere, and that's no way to live.

So, here I am. Cecily Jane, the blogger, back again.

Gentle Reader, I have missed you so!

Regards, best wishes, and resolutions,

-Cecily Jane

*Oh, that post is in there. It's not too hard to find. I dare you.