Group Texting Is THE WORST

My Dear Reader,

Group texting is THE WORST.

Why, you ask?

Because people have no idea how to properly use it.

Group texting, while not inherently evil, is a tool. But it's not like a screwdriver or a crowbar. It's more like a jackhammer. After all, when my phone is on vibrate, they make the same exact sound.

I can't take it any more, my Gentle Reader. I can't take the random texts at 1 AM from unknown numbers responding to a text I received yesterday. No more! The line must be drawn here, no further!

And this week, I'm not going to go into a personal story about how I learned a life lesson. This week, I'm just getting to the point.

Rules for Group Texting, Or How to Not Annoy Everyone You Know

Group texting is okay if:

• you are initiating a conversation within a small group of people who all have smart phones, unlimited data plans, and already know and like each other
• that's it; there's no other reason to group text

Group texting is not okay if:

• you are sending a large blast of information to everyone in your phone book who might be interested
• you are sending a text that only requires people to respond to you, and not to each other
• there is one or more person in your send list who does not have the phone number of another person or persons on your send list
• there is one or more person in your send list who does not know or does not like another person or persons in your send list
• there is one or more person in your send list who is out of data for the month
• it is before 9 AM or after 9 PM (in each recipient's respective time zone), unless you are certain that everyone on your send list is awake and will be for at least two more hours (if someone on your send list is a slow responder/not constantly glued to their phone, wait at least five hours before you know people will go to bed) (this is a longstanding rule of phone etiquette that you should have learned by third grade)

If you find yourself in a situation where group texting is not okay, go to your settings and turn your data off, then press send.

Before group texting, ask yourself the following questions:

• Can all of the people in my send list fit comfortably around my kitchen table?
• If they were around my kitchen table, would there be a lot of awkward silence and/or would I have to introduce everybody?
• Do all of the people in my send list need to know the responses of every other person in my send list?
• Is everyone in my send list usually awake and available for at least two more hours? 
• Can all of the people in my send list use their data to accept my text and its various responses?

If you answered "no" to any of the above questions, go to your settings and turn your data off, then press send.

Do not respond to a group text (or turn your data off before responding) if:

• you are not sure who the text was sent to
• you can see who it was sent to, and there are numbers you don't recognize
• it is before 9 AM or after 9 PM (in each recipient's respective time zone)
• you wouldn't feel comfortable shouting your response through a megaphone in Times Square

So there you have it, Gentle Reader. A comprehensive guide. Think of all of the awkwardness and accidental oversharing you and I can now prevent. Think of all of the people whose phone number is not dispensed to a random selection of strangers. Think of the people who will actually get to sleep through the night and make it to work on time.

We can use these rules and make this world a far less annoying place.

Regards, best wishes, and the power is yours,

-Cecily Jane

Yelp and the Power of Proactive Positivity

My Dear Reader,

I like saying nice things to people.

And I don't know If you've picked up on this, but I like books a lot. (I've tried to be subtle.)

You know what else I like? Independent book stores. So I'm going to say some nice things about those for a bit.

You have to understand that I'm a capitalist. I don't hate businesses based on their size. The computer I'm writing this post on is made by one of the bigger businesses out there, and I'm so glad that so many people were employed in order to get this computer to me. Truly.

But here's the thing: independent bookstores are better.

The reason is actually very simple. Big bookstores are typically staffed by people who are just there to get a paycheck while they're trying to find something better. Independent bookstores are staffed by people who love the living daylights out of books.

And if you buy books based on its ranking on the New York Times Best Sellers List (not a bad start), you're probably okay in a big store. You're also okay if you already know what you want.

But what if you go into a bookstore looking for an adventure? What if you step through that front door in the hopes of a grand discovery? Who will help you on your quest?

Probably not the kind of kid who just started last week. I mean, maybe, but probably not. And they do have algorithms out there, but I have yet to find one that can match the expertise of a bookstore owner.

Because you don't run your own bookstore unless you know a boatload or two about books. You don't make it your career unless it's your calling.

And that's why I love independent bookstores. Any literary experience so much better when a person of expert passion is involved. I know that I can go through those doors and emerge with something exciting and unexpected. Not to mention that used books tend to be a lot cheaper, and I could read myself out of house and home if I wasn't careful.

So, you can imagine how excited I was to find a new bookstore near my workplace. Like most bookstores, I entered and immediately felt that I belonged. And when I complimented the owner on her establishment, she said something interesting to me:

"You know," she said, "if you look up local bookstores online, we won't show up. Do you think you could give us a review on Yelp.com? Every time we get a review, we become more visible."

And since I occasionally work at a small cafe, I definitely can understand why a Yelp review is so important. When you don't have the cash to hire Sofía Vergara to promote your product, Yelp is pretty much your best option.

But here's the problem about Yelp: people usually only bother to review things when they have something bad to say.

But I'm not like that. As previously stated, I like saying nice things to people.

(By the way, you are doing an awesome job at reading this post.)

And, you know, if we can go online and say nice things about the businesses we love, maybe more people will find them. Maybe our proactive positivity can keep small bookstores around for the next generation of bookworms.

And if you're not into bookstores, we can no longer be friends that's okay. Proactive positivity can apply to diners, record stores, vintage clothing stores, and pretty much any place that you want to keep around.

Because if you have something nice to say, you should say it. Right? Because we all need a little niceness in our lives. We all need the support of others in order to succeed. This is a great, easy way to bring a little goodness into the world.

And especially my world, because if bookstores all vanish and I have to read all of my books on my phone, I might just cry.

Regards, best wishes, and you don't want to see me when I cry as it involves whale noises,

-Cecily Jane

P.S. I have two independent bookstores that I really love: Another Read Through in Portland and Escape Fiction in Salem. I know a lot of you aren't Oregon locals, so go ahead and leave some of your own recommendations in the comments!

Let Us Oft Speak Kind Words to Each Other

My Dear Reader,

When I was a girl, a particularly terrifying middle-aged woman from church told me that holding back compliments was a sin. Something about pride and whatnot. At the time, when I was already bombarded with warnings of all kinds of other sins to worry about, this was horrifying. No way the devil was going to take hold of me just because I forgot to tell Judy that her hair looked nice.

No. Way.

I don't know why that idea stuck in my brain, except that the deliverer is someone who used to stalk my nightmares.* But it did. And while I don't know if I ever truly believed that it was a sin, I maintain that withholding compliments is a bad idea.

That's why I have a policy that's like Thumper's rule, but in reverse. Thumper said, "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all."

I say that if you can say something nice, you should say it.

The reason is simply that people need positive reinforcement. People need to know that the good they bring into the world does not go unnoticed. We need to know that even though life is discouraging, and even though we often fail, every once in a while we manage to do something right. Even if we do that something by accident.

And while we can often see the good that others do, we often can't see how other people struggle. Self-doubt is rampant, toxic, and mostly invisible. We have a grand opportunity to combat this great stumbling block—just by being kind.

It's an opportunity similar to the one that presented itself years ago at Girl's Camp, when a fellow camper sought me out to say that I had done a great job on a routine a group of us had performed. A small gesture, to be sure, unless you consider the fact that I was a stranger entering a tight-knit group of friends, and that I'd spent the whole week feeling like an outcast. That girl has probably forgotten all about what she did, but I will never forget how it felt to realize that I mattered at a time when I felt worthless and forgotten. Never.

And the truth is that you never really know what people are going through. You never really know what pain or fear they are trying to hide. And you never really know how much a kind word can mean to somebody who needs kindness.

And, really we all need kindness.

So why would you want to miss an opportunity to make that kind of an impact?

And sure, it's not an easy habit to form. I can tell you from experience that it is often scary or awkward. Sometimes you'll even find that the compliment is rejected or dismissed. But the times you fall flat are worth the times when you make a difference. As long as you are honest and sincere, you will have those moments. You will even witness miracles.

So if you have something nice to say, why don't you say it?

I'm sure Thumper would approve.

Regards, best wishes, and you are truly the best,

-Cecily Jane

*I had to endure, with alarming frequency, harsh lectures from her that sometimes lasted up to fifteen minutes and often drew a crowd. I survived by employing strategic eye rolling or singing songs in my head. Though I was a little rambunctious at that age (Mormon church is three hours long, and I have never been good at sitting still), I doubt that any kid would deserve that kind of treatment. Luckily, I have the chance to not be like that.

Pay No Attention to That Man Behind the Curtain!

My Dear Reader,

(Yes, I'm still working on my resolution to read ten classics in 2013.)

One of the great things about reading a children's book as an adult is the way a tale that merely entertained you years ago can suddenly become incredibly meaningful. Once you have been taught to look at stories critically, you start to see things that you never would have found before. Such was the case when I re-read The Wizard of Oz.

As familiar as I am with this story, I realized that this book is all about perception. It seems so obvious that I don’t know how I could have missed it! We all know that the Wizard of Oz is a fraud, but here are some things that are either missing from the movie or were emphasized and expanded in the book:

• The Scarecrow, who claims to be brainless, is the one who finds solutions for the majority of the problems faced on the Yellow Brick Road and beyond.

• The Tin Woodman (AKA the Tin Man), who claims to be heartless, is the most considerate and sensitive of the group, even to the point where he weeps openly and rusts.

• The Cowardly Lion, who does feel socially awkward and anxious, is brave and fearless when his friends need his help.*

• Dorothy, who feels so homesick, is the most centered and at peace with herself. Though she feels powerless, she is actually one of the most powerful people in Oz.

And, most importantly:

• Each one of these characters labeled themselves with these negative traits, usually with little prompting by others.

As a person with Clinical Depression™, this idea of self-labeling is a familiar one. My chemically-imbalanced brain produces negative thoughts, and sometimes these thoughts overflow into words that just kind of gush out. I often say that I can’t do this or I’m bad at that. I’m a terrible something-or-another-er. And really, when I say these things, I never think there is any harm. At the time, my words only seem like the unavoidable truth, and they’re so mild and harmless compared to the loud claxon in my brain that shrieks “You’re worthless, you’re a failure, and you ruin everything.” In the moment, I really feel like I’m being kind to myself in comparison. It’s not until later, when I am in a better state of mind, that I realize how unfairly I’ve painted myself. Really, I (like most people) am too complex to fit in one category or another. I try to put myself in a box, but I don’t really fit. There is a difference between having depression and being Depression Girl or Chronic Failure or whatever it is I feel like calling myself at the time. No label I could put on myself would be truly accurate.

But here’s the thing about The Wizard of Oz: nobody thinks twice about the labels that these characters give themselves, even after the labels are proved false. This is brought to a ridiculous and poignant extreme when the wizard admits point blank that he is a fraud (or a humbug, as he tells it), and yet the other characters still believe that he can magically solve their problems. It goes something like this:

Wizard: I’m a great wizard!

Dorothy, Scarecrow, Tin Man, Lion: Awesome! You can solve ALL OF OUR PROBLEMS.

Wizard: Well, actually, I’m a big phony. All I’m really good at is special effects and showmanship. Besides, you guys all seem fine to me. Except Dorothy over there. Sorry, Dorothy.

Dorothy: I am greatly disappointed.

Scarecrow, Tin Man, Lion: Hey, we still have all of these problems! Solve them, please.

Wizard: But I can’t.

Scarecrow, Tin Man, Lion: But you’re the wizard.

Wizard: But I’m not a wizard.

Scarecrow, Tin Man, Lion: Yes, you are. You told us so yourself.

Wizard: But then I explained to you that it was all a lie. In great detail.

Scarecrow, Tin Man, Lion: But we still have these problems AND YOU’RE A WIZARD.

Wizard: No, I’m not!

Scarecrow, Tin Man, Lion: Yes, you are!

Wizard: No I’m not!

Scarecrow, Tin Man, Lion: Yes, you are!

Wizard: I never got my Hogwarts letter!

Scarecrow, Tin Man, Lion: Solve our problems!

Wizard: But I . . .

Scarecrow, Tin Man, Lion: Wiz-ard! Wiz-ard! Wiz-ard!

Wizard: Okay, fine. Using my skills of special effects and showmanship, I will pretend to solve your problems just so you will leave me alone:

Wizard: [Uses skills of special effects and showmanship. Pretends to solve everybody’s problems.]

Scarecrow, Tin Man, Lion: It’s a miracle! We’re saved!

Wizard: You’re the same, except for the addition of mostly worthless props.

Scarecrow, Tin Man, Lion: You’re the best wizard in all the land!

Wizard: Sigh.

The point here is something I have learned again and again in life: when you tell someone something about yourself, they generally believe it without question. Especially if you tell them something negative. And if you happen to misrepresent yourself, or if you change, you will have a heck of a time trying to get people to see and treat you differently. People’s perceptions have this annoying habit of sticking into people’s brains forever.

In my experience, some people won’t even change their mind after a decade and a mountain of proof. A decade.

I was teenager, people.

Ahem.

So when it comes to presenting yourself to others, it’s important to use good marketing. And when it comes to others, it’s important to remember to base your judgments on actual observations, not just what people tell you. Not even what people tell you about themselves.

Because we are all pretty hard on ourselves. And we all have this tendency to think that our problems and failures are worse than everybody else’s. But none of us fail all the time. None of us fit in a box.

And, like Dorothy, none of us know the extent of our true power and influence.

See? Look at that. All that truth from a children’s book. Who’da thunk?

Regards, best wishes, and self-compassion,

-Cecily Jane

*Unlike the movie, the “Cowardly” Lion does not run away when they fight the Wicked Witch. Instead, when she captures him and tries to turn him into a pack animal, he bravely refuses. He also jumps over large chasms and stuff. Really, of all the characters, the movie does him the greatest injustice.

Short Story: "Dreams"

My Dear Reader,

It's been a while since I've posted fiction on here, so here's a little something for you.

"Dreams"

By Cecily Jane

And that is when I realize that they don't love me.

Maybe they never have. Maybe what they love is this life they've made, complete with a house, two cars, and a respectable amount of children. They love their American Dream, and I'm only a part of it. An appendage to it.

I am an expendable part of their life.

That's why they're doing this. No one who loved me would do this. No one who loved me would make me put these chemicals inside me. No one who loved me would let these pills play with my brain and diminish me. They look at me, and they see only the darkness. They do not see the loneliness that feeds it. They do not see the child behind it. They only see a dark spot on their perfect life, and they want to bleach it out of existence. Never mind that I will be corroded, along with my pain. Never mind that I will fade into nothing. In their eyes, it will be a pleasant nothing. An empty shell that will smile vaguely on command and look good in pictures. That's all they want. They have no use for me.

I am a torrent of raging emotions. I am lost in the storm. I am reaching out to for something to hold onto, but they don't reach back. They just glare at me in disapproval.

And so they send me away to the cold professionals who will scoop out my insides.

This can't be love.

Love is what I hold onto, even if I've never seen it. Even if it's only a hope in my heart. If they love me then I have nothing left.

They can't love me.

They can't.

**************

We just don't know our baby anymore.

Neither of us know when it all started to change. There used to be laughter in our house. We took it for granted back then.

If only we could go back to how it used to be.

We are doing the best that we can. It's not enough to simply say that we are struggling. Each member of our family has problems, and with each passing day, those problems get harder to solve. This is not a band aid over a skinned knee. This is our last chance to bring our child back before we reach the point of no return. That's why we rely on those who know how to fix these problems. We put our baby in their hands in the hopes that we will have a future. It's a little scary when the bills come, and sometimes we're not sure where the money is going to come from. But they tell us that it's helping. They tell us that if we just pull through, there is a chance. So we do.

We are overwhelmed and exhausted. But it's not hard to see where this behavior will lead. We've read the articles. We go to seminars during lunch hour, holding hands as we are confronted yet again with symptoms and statistics. The future we have been shown is frightening.

We have to trust the people who understand what is happening to our child.

This is a problem we have to solve.

We do all of this so that one day, we can hear that laughter again. That's the hope we hold onto, even if it seems we may never hear it again. Our baby is everything.

We can't lose our baby.

We can't.

Regards, best wishes, and understanding,

-Cecily Jane

Prayers, Phones, and Self-limitations

My Dear Reader,

As a lifelong Mormon, I have often been encouraged to seek for spiritual guidance on a daily basis, in even the most trivial matters. These spiritual experiences are the foundation of our faith, and we build it scripture by scripture, prayer by prayer.

Even for the little stuff.

Stuff that isn't necessarily in the spiritual category. Stuff, for example, like when things go missing. Even then, I have always been encouraged to get on my knees and pray about it. God knows everything, right? So He knows where I left my keys, or my wallet, or that thing I was supposed to bring to the party. And as Mormons, this is something that we regularly do. And I know so many people who have asked this seemingly trivial question in prayer and have received genuine spiritual guidance that led them to find what they were looking for.

But it never happened to me.

And you might think that it's not really a big deal. And it isn't until it's the end of the school year and you have to either return your graphing calculator to your calculus teacher or forfeit one hundred dollars of your hard-earned college fund.

And when you're running out of time, and you've turned everything in your house upside down trying to find it, and you're crying tears of frustration and failure because one hundred dollars is so much money when you earned it working minimum wage and you were so careful to save it, this becomes a pretty big deal to you.

And, yet, I didn't get my answer. Or any answer, really. Let me tell you, I was not happy to write that check.

But, you know, I told myself to get over it. It didn't break the bank or anything, and once high school was over and I moved on to greater things, I realized that it didn't matter much. Losing one graphing calculator, in the grand scheme of things, was such a small thing, right? Talk about your teenage drama.

And it's not like I didn't have more than my fair share of spiritual experiences. I received answers on all kinds of other things. Big, important things that shaped my life. Experiences so powerful that I could never doubt that they were real, even today. So it didn't effect my faith in God or my dedication to my church, or anything like that.

But it planted a seed in my brain that started to change my opinion about myself.

And I started to think that I was incapable of receiving answers to certain kinds of prayers.

And if that sounds silly to you, you do not understand how many times I prayed for help finding something, full of faith, and got nothing.

Not to mention the doctrine found in D&C 46:11-12 that offered a reasonable explanation to what was happening to me. God gives people certain gifts, and that was just one that I didn't have. No worries, right? I mean, I don't sit around worrying that I don't have the skills to be an Olympic gymnast. Why should I care if I can't do this?

But I probably should have cared, because I stopped trying. I assumed that I was limited, and that there were some things that I just couldn't talk to God about.

And maybe there was a part of me that thought that I was limited because I just wasn't good enough.

I have so many opportunities to feel inadequate, and you know, I tend to take advantage of them.

But one day, after I graduated college and was in desperate need of a job, I lost my phone. Which, at the time, would not have been a great concern to me except I was waiting to hear back from possible employers. This time, I was in a situation where if I didn't find it, I would break the bank.

I looked everywhere for that phone. Everywhere. I had other people pitch in to help me, and I even asked for them to pray to find it. Because that seemed a lot more productive than praying myself.

After two weeks, things were looking pretty bad. Imagine if you were expecting an important phone call and you had to go without your phone for two whole weeks. I almost tore my hair out.

I got desperate enough, in fact, to pray about it. And man, did I pray with feeling on this one. I'm pretty sure I prayed myself to sleep.

One thing I remember very clearly is that I woke up with this unshakeable compulsion to look under things. I just had to do it, just like I would have to take a drink of water if I was dying of thirst in the desert. I could not stop until I had looked under everything in the house. Could. Not. Stop.

I don't have OCD, so I'm not used to compulsions of that magnitude. There was nothing in the world to me except what I needed to do at that moment. And I kind of felt a little crazy, but I also felt this really amazing spiritual connection that told me where this urge was coming from.

And in just a few minutes, that phone was good and found.

Is that one of the lamest spiritual experiences of all time? Possibly. I won't rule it out.

But it's probably one of the most poignant moments of my whole life, because I had found something a lot more important than my phone. I found a piece of myself that I feared could never exist.

And I think that we are all aware, to some point at least, how much other people try to limit us. There's the bully who said that we were stupid. The coach who cut us off the team. The well-meaning friend who told us to move on long before it was time.

But how often do we become aware of the ways in which we limit ourselves?

Do the names we have been called on the playground or in the office really matter as much as the names we call ourselves?

And how many times do we let a small seed get planted in our brain, like a mold spore that multiplies and grows until it causes the decay of our own self worth?

I've been thinking a lot lately about the things that I think I can't do, that I have no hope of ever being good at. Is it really a fair judgement of myself? Or am I letting myself be limited by the pain of the past and the fear of the future?

Because God can do all things. All things. And I am His daughter.

Doesn't it follow that if I continue to endeavor to be like God, at some point, I will be able to do all things?

And I'm starting to think that prayer is about more than just building our faith. I'm starting to think that through prayer, we are building ourselves. With every spiritual experience, we are not just learning what we need to do; we are getting a glimpse into who we really are.

And this is something I really wonder about: when God makes the acorn, He knows that it will grow into the great oak. So when God made me, what did He intend me to become? How great can I grow?

And, yes, in the great scheme of things, maybe finding my phone really isn't such a big deal. But that part of myself I found? Well, I never intend to let that go.

Regards, best wishes, and shattered boundaries,

-Cecily Jane

This Is the Friend Zone

My Dear Reader,

Lately, I've been hearing the idea of the friend zone and how that term can be misunderstood and used for unfair purposes.

The argument is that the term is manipulative. If you say that you have unrequited love, for example, the implication is that you've had some bad luck. They don't love you back, and that it a sad story, my friend. That's just life, you know? Let me give you a hug and some hot chocolate.

But if you tell me that you've been friend zoned, you're not just saying that your feelings are not returned. There is an accusation hidden in your words, asserting that you have somehow been abused. The object of your affection has inexplicably become the bad guy. How dare they! Don't they know who you are? Something must be seriously wrong with them. Let's sit here and say mean things about them while they don't have the opportunity to respond.

I personally don't often use the term to describe my own relationships. I generally feel like it only applies when the guy is really laying it on thick long after I've gotten the message. If I say you've friend zoned me, I mean that I complimented your tie and you replied by telling me how you reeeeeeally looooove your girlfriend, nudge nudge wink wink slap in the face. Then I usually laugh about it and move on, because really, I don't care. If I was attracted to you, I certainly am not any more.

Not that guys don't reject me on a daily/hourly basis. They apparently find me repulsive or something. It's just that I don't feel that I have a right to demonize someone based on whether they like me or not. When it comes to dating, I have two rules:*

Rule #1

• No one is obligated to be attracted to me.

Rule #2

• No one should have to explain why they're not attracted to me, because they don't need a reason to find me unattractive.

This is crucial, because a misunderstanding of this basic principle is, in my opinion, the foundation of a lot of unfair and cruel behaviors. These behaviors can range from harmless grumbling to backbiting to destruction of personal property. Not good.

In extreme cases, it can even lead to rape. Don't you roll your eyes at me. Most women are raped by men that they know.** A man who respects a woman's right to refusal would just leave her alone instead of taking what he wants by force through scarring physical and psychological violence. 

Because it all boils down to this: when any person believes that they have the right to tell another person how to feel or act towards them, they have denied that person their God-given agency. That's extremely objectifying, and objectifying anyone is wrong. People deserve better than that. They have a right to lead their own lives, even if you don't like their choices.

And yeah, it sucks to have unrequited feelings. It really, really sucks. But, you know, try not to take it personally. Attraction is hard to explain and even harder to control. It's possible that they don't have a conscious reason, and that is allowed. Just think of all of the people that you've found unattractive for a reason you can't name. It happens.

It's also possible that they do have a reason, and that it's a valid one. But that's a post for another day.

Either way, it's really important to be respectful of others' feelings, whether you like them or not.

And let me be clear: if you don't respect other people's feelings, you are not allowed to label yourself as a nice guy or a nice girl. If you think people are obligated to be attracted to you, you are at best a gigantic jerk.

Actually, I have stronger words for you, but I choose not to use them at this time.

Do you know what nice guys/girls do when they discover that their feelings are unrequited? They often feel sad. They might even go home and treat themselves to some ice cream and a comforting movie. But what they most certainly do is back off. They will either move on or try to present themselves in a different way. But they will undoubtedly respect the right of refusal.

Because if you really care about someone, their happiness is more important than what you want.

And, you know, if you really are a catch, then someone else will realize it. Don't waste your time grumbling! Go out and find that person!

All in all, I really hope that you can find the one who's right for you. Someone who will requite your love and treat you well. Just remember that genuine respect for others is a super attractive quality, wink wink.


Regards, best wishes, and lots of love,

-Cecily Jane

*Those aren't my only dating rules; they're just the only ones that happen to be relevant.

** Source: U.S. Department of Justice. 2005 National Crime Victimization Study. 2005.***

***I would say that this applies to both men and women, but men are exclusively raped by strangers. But I'm not singling out men as evil here; women can be extremely cruel when rejected.