Scene: Pokey-Man

My Dear Reader,

I'm so sorry that this post was late. The truth is that with the craziness of my family coming into town and other stuff (like moving out of my apartment), I plum forgot. Worry not though, Gentle Reader, as I have something special prepared for you today. This is a small portion of the short film that I was going to make with my brothers and sisters before I left for college. It was supposed to be a parody of Pokemon, as I have three younger brothers, and during the time that the show was insanely popular I was constantly being bombarded with the phenomenon. Unfortunately, however, my hard drive had an aneurysm after I finished the script, and all of my hard work was lost. I managed to recreate some of it, part of which is below. I don't think it's that bad, considering that I wrote it when I was seventeen. In this segment, we join new Pokey-man trainer Smash Ketchup as he leaves home for the adventure of a lifetime and comes upon a rustling bush . . .

Pokey-Man

Smash: Now, lets see why that bush was a-rustlin’!

Nathan: (comes out from bush) Na-than. Nathan.

Smash: What is that? Some sort of lizard?

Smisty: (appearing out of nowhere) It’s a Pokey-man, doofus!

Smash: What’s a Pokey-man?

Smisty: Duh! Weren’t you just singing about them, like two minutes ago! A Pokey-man, as the name suggests, is a slow (or pokey) guy (or man). You catch them, and then train them to fight other Pokey-man.

Smash: Why would I want to do that?

Smisty: Well, when you train them and you get really good, you can battle against a gym trainer and win a badge.

Smash: So?

Smisty: When you get eight badges, you get to compete in a huge tournament and you could become the best trainer ever!

Smash: (Pause) Why would I want to do that?

Smisty: (Sighs) The badges are shiny.

Smash: Shiny badges! Wow! I love shiny objects! Let’s go!

Smisty: First you need a Pokey-man. Gosh, are you really that dense?

Smash: Hey, why are you calling me fat? (looks at himself) I mean, I’m not an Olympian but I’m in pretty good shape if I say so myself.

Smisty: (smacks herself in the head) Just get that Pokey-man already!

Smash: Don’t you want it? Ladies first.

Smisty: No, I specialize in blue-shirted Pokey-man. That Pokey-man has a yellow shirt.

(both look at Nathan, who indeed has a yellow shirt and is staring at them blankly)

Smash: Okay then. Pokey-box, go! (Smash catches Nathan)

Smisty: Hey, if you don’t even know what a Pokey-man is, how did you manage to catch one? How do you even have a Pokey-box?

Smash: I got it over there. (Smash points to a stand with a sign that reads: Want to catch Pokey-man? Get your free boxes here! (Limit 500 per customer).

Smisty: (gapes in amazement and runs over to gather as many Pokey-boxes as she can.) Wow, I wonder why I didn’t see that!

Oswaldi: (comes out from behind the bush) Os-wald-i!

Smash: Now there’s a lizard, if I ever saw one!

Smisty: (Completely astonished) Oh my lucky stars and stripes! It’s Oswaldi, the rarest Pokey-man that ever existed! I thought they were extinct, since none have been seen by humans for a hundred years!

Smash: Watch out, Oswal-whatever. Ima gooona catchya!

Smisty: You? Catch the famous rare Oswaldi? Are you joking? It’s impossible to . . . (Smash catches Oswaldi) catch.

Smash: Yaaahooo! I dun caught me a good un!

Smisty: What? How? You?

Smash: Come on, little missy! Let’s ride into the sunset! (Walks off camera)

Smisty: (Still stunned) What? There was . . . Hey! Wait for me! (runs after him)

-Cecly Jane

Scene: FHE Divorce

My Dear Reader,

Here's another scene I intended to use as a Divine Comedy audition. This one is about two Family Home Evening co-chairs who are having difficult times in their fake family. It's kind of strange, but I hope you like it.

FHE Divorce

Mom: [Name], before we start this FHE planning meeting, I think we need to talk.

Dad: Uh oh.

Mom: What?

Dad: “We need to talk?” How long have we been FHE husband and wife, [name] . . . three months? I think I know you well enough by now to know what you mean by that.

Mom: Well, [name], it’s just that this relationship isn’t working out the way I’d hoped.

Dad: What do you mean?

Mom: Well, I just . . . I just don’t think I can handle this fake marriage anymore! We’re just too different.

Dad: What?

Mom: But I want you to know that it’s not you, it’s me.

Dad: What do you mean?

Mom: Well, it’s not that you’re rude, insensitive, flaky, and obnoxious, but it’s that I can’t handle the fact that you’re rude, insensitive, flaky, and obnoxious. You see? What I really mean to say is that if I was a stronger person, well, I wouldn’t have gotten into this calling in the first place.

Dad: I . . . I can’t believe this is happening! I thought things were going so well!

Mom: Well? WELL? Trust me, there are many words to describe how our relationship has been going. “Nowhere,” maybe, or “out of control,” but definitely not “well.”

Dad: I just don’t understand it! I worked so hard on this relationship! At least I’m not the one who insists that we listen to the Wicked soundtrack during our planning meetings.

Mom: Oh yeah? Well I wasn’t the one who tried to pass off a Halo match as an activity.

Dad: The other guys in the group thought it was a lot of fun.

Mom: This is BYU, [name]. We’ve got three guys and fourteen girls in the group.

Dad: But that doesn’t mean we have to sit and talk what’s happening on The O.C. every week!

Mom: The O.C. is a common interest shared by the majority.

Dad: It’s against the Honor Code.

Mom: And blowing up aliens isn’t?

Dad: It’s quality bonding time. The hours and hours we spend together trying to shoot and kill . . . isn’t it about . . . time?

Mom: I don’t think I’ve seen those kinds of activities on the Church commercials. Maybe we should focus on something a little more . . . in-church-media.

Dad: NO TEA PARTIES!

Mom: Okay, okay. Fine. Just start yelling.

Dad: I’M NOT YELLING. (clears throat) I’m speaking intently.

Mom: See what I mean? As soon as I propose a helpful alternative to your clearly-inappropriate suggestion, you assume the worst and get upset.

Dad: (Skeptically) So you weren’t going to suggest a tea party?

Mom: Of course not.

Dad: Really?

Mom: No!

Dad: Nothing remotely tea party-like?

Mom: No! Well, if you want, we could try out a tea cake party, but that’s completely different.

Dad: [NAME]!

Mom: We did it once for enrichment!

Dad: I am the father and I have repeatedly said that there shall be no tea parties or tea-party-like functions while I am the head of this family!

Mom: And there’s another reason this relationship is failing! We’re co-chairs—equals—and I just can’t stand your tirades any longer!

Dad: But . . .

Mom: I’m serious about this, [name], I’m going to the supervisors right now to ask them to be released.

Dad: But you can’t do that!

Mom: And why not?

Dad: The time we spent together . . . the spiritual thoughts and the refreshments . . . the feelings of group unity . . . are you going to throw all that away?

Mom: Well . . .

Dad: And what about the children? Are you going to make this a single parent family?

Mom: Well, I suppose that we’re only going to be FHE parents for a month or so.

Dad: Yeah?

Mom: And I guess we can hold it together until then, right? For the children?

Dad: (Hugs her) For the children.


-Cecily Jane

Scene: Cecily 4 Chancellor

My Dear Reader,

This piece is a sort of faux-infomercial that I intended to use as an audition piece for Divine Comedy. I never got the guts to actually audition (plus I figured that I would like watching their shows better than being a part of it), but now it is hidden from the world no longer! And it's just in time for Independence Day!

Cecily 4 Chancellor

Cecily: Hello! My name is Cecily, and I want to be your fascist dictator.

Are you tired of those wannabe dictators who continue to offer the same basic services for the same basic price of eternal loyalty, obedience, and servitude? Today, I am willing to offer you more for your surrender of freedom. In addition to solving the standard problems that other tyrants offer to solve, such as solutions to hunger, poverty, global warming, terrorism, and etc., I am willing to tackle more problems than those other guys, such as:

Bad sitcoms
Crowded elevators
Expensive Bread
Impressionism
Know-it-alls
Long lines
Smelly people
Smokers
Spam
Spitters
Sticks-in-the-mud
Telemarketers
People with bad grammar
People with bad teeth
People who use phrases like “I’m not perfect” “It’s my birthday” or “I’m in love” as lame excuses for bad behavior
People who spit gum on the sidewalk
People who misspell/mispronounce your name
TV/VCR Repair
And people who hate you for no apparent reason

But wait, there’s MORE!

Call within the next sixty seconds, and I promise to add these beneficial programs designed to improve your everyday life, such as:

Free cable
Nightly sing-a-longs
Kids for Clarinets
Second Children Anonymous
Mr. Ed Reruns
Free T-Shirt Tuesdays
Free Pizza Fridays
I Love Cecily Week

To join today, all you need to do is call 1-800-555-Cecily4Chancellor or visit my website: cecily4chancellor.com. That number again is 1-800, Cecily, the number four, chancellor.

So vote Cecily for Chancellor, and convert your freedom into free pizza.

(Oppressive taxes not included. Once power is given, Cecily reserves the right to change her mind at will.)

-Cecily Jane