2011! I So Know What Year It Is!

My Dear Reader,

So yeah, sorry about December. And November. And most of 2010.

To be honest, I should really apologize for most of 2009 as well. 2009 really bummed me out.

Don't think that I've forgotten about this blog. Or writing. I definitely haven't. Cecily and I talk about it all the time. It goes like this:

Cecily: Ah! It's Tuesday!

I: And?

Cecily: Well, I should post on Tuesdays. It's what I do.

I: Just listen to yourself. "I" should do this, "I" should do that. Why do you have to pin everything on me? Why don't you do anything for yourself?

Cecily: Well, you . . . I . . . what?

I: Exactly.

Cecily: I'm confused.

I: Actually, no.

Cecily: Well, somebody has to blog, and if I can't do it . . .

I: Who said I couldn't do it?

Cecily: What?

I: Don't tell me what I can't do!

Cecily: Lost is over, my friend. The island is a cork in a wine bottle full of evil. It's okay. It'll aaaaaall be okay. They're all so happy at the end. Even Kate!

I: If we can't live together, then we're going to die alone!

Cecily: Uh, I think I can agree with that.

(Silence)

Cecily: So, video games?*

I: Okay, fine.

So, yeah. Not a lot of blogging going on lately. BUT, I can consistently beat Age of Mythology on hard. That's pretty great. I play Norse.

Yeah.

Anyway, I wish I could tell you why I haven't been blogging, but I honestly don't know. All I can say is that I'm going through a thing, and I don't really want to be in that thing anymore. I think I want to be in another thing. Other things are shiny.

Anyway, I do realize that I've already made about seventy-five posts like this since awful ol' 2009. That's why I added that spicy conversation. I know you love those.

Oh, so next week? Next week there will TOTALLY be a new post up. I'm going to start writing it right now, actually. There might even be *GASP!* pictures. You never know. This blog be crazy.

Or something.

Regards, best wishes, and shiny things,

-Cecily Jane (with significant assistance by I)

*I really don't spend that much time playing video games. I really only own two: Age of Mythology and Age of Empires III. And I just got that second one (which I'll probably be able to beat on hard once I care enough to set up my hot keys. What?). I also read a lot. So there.

I Don't Know Why Everybody Doesn't Get This

My Dear Reader,

Today, it seems that I have something to say. I will spare you the context on this one, because trust me, you don't want me to go into it. This week's diatribe is as follows:

Right and Wrong are real things.

They are eternal. They are unchangeable.

Right and Wrong do not come into existence at our convenience. They do not appear once we pronounce them to be one thing or another. They do not bow to our judgements, our prejudices, or our selfishness. They take no notice of popular opinion or popular people. Something is Wrong or Right independent of us, our education, and our experiences.

Right and Wrong don't need us.

And while they're not changeable, they do depend on the situation. Not in what we see the situation to be, but rather, what the situation really is.

It is a great blessing that Right and Wrong are independent of human perception. It is how they are infallible.

Of course, Right and Wrong are devoid of purpose if they are not knowable or discernible. Thankfully, we have what we need to know what Right and Wrong are:

Right is what brings the Holy Spirit into our hearts.

Wrong is what drives the Holy Spirit away.

This is a universal and eternal truth.

Regards, best wishes, and self-honesty,

-Cecily Jane

Freedom and Coffee

My Dear Reader,

My new job as a barista at a cafe is strange, to say the least. Not because the job itself is weird, of course. As usual, weirdness is just one of the many things that I bring to the table all on my own. Any normal person who works selling coffee is one thing, but as a Mormon, me selling coffee is as strange as as Jew who sells bacon. Just to be clear, my job doesn't mean than I'm any less devoted to being Mormon than I was before, but it does open me up to a lot of questions. Most of these questions are things I ask myself. Today, however, I'd like to talk about a question that my co-worker asked me the other day:

"Do you ever feel like you're missing out?"

I knew exactly what she meant; after all, the part of my day that I spend at the cafe revolves almost exclusively around helping other people get a substance that I'm not supposed to have. It was a perfect, honest question.* My response was just as honest:

"No, I feel like other people are missing out."

It must have been a strange thing to hear, but it's true. I don't sit around and feel sorry for myself because I can't drink coffee; I sit around and wish that more people understood what it felt like to live a life without coffee. I know that to most people, that doesn't really make sense, and it certainly didn't make sense to my friend. I explained that not drinking coffee was just part of my religion, and it's kind of an all-or-nothing thing. She said that to her, a religious ban on coffee seemed very arbitrary, and wondered how I felt about being kept from something for seemingly no reason.

This question was just as valid and honest as the first, in fact, I often meet people who are confused by the fact that I believe in following certain rules that they see as arbitrary. A lifetime of following those "arbitrary" rules has taught me this: the act of following the rule (or, keeping the commandment) tends to teach me why the rule is necessary. I start doing it out of faith, but after time, I'm doing it out of a deeper understanding. Abstaining from coffee is a great example of what I'm talking about. Most people don't see why coffee could be bad for them because they don't think about it.

Of course, I can't help but think about everything.

And, I don't believe that God gives arbitrary laws.

So, to try to figure out why, according to my faith, God has banned coffee, I have to try and figure out what makes coffee different than other things. I think most people are aware that coffee's bad for you, but so are marbled meats and orange dreamsicles, and those aren't off the menu.

Of course, there aren't thirty different ways to have an orange dreamsicle, and people don't get mad at you if you get it wrong. And there isn't an entire culture centered around marbled meats. No one tells you that they need marbled meats to wake up or stay up or think.

That would be a strange world.

But stranger still, it is that way with coffee. It's something that runs people's lives. It's addictive, so the more you have it, the more you need it. And the more you need it, the less control you have over your own life. And if you aren't controlling your life, who is? A bean?

In a way, addiction is it's own kind of slavery, something that takes away your freedom by taking away your self-control. And isn't self-control the most precious thing we have in this life? Isn't it something worth protecting? If all you had to do to keep you self-control in tact was to not drink something, would you think that you were missing out?

I honestly don't.

There are lots of things in this world that strip self-control away, and coffee is only one of them. My faith teaches me to cut those things out of my life so that I can master my body, instead of having my body master me. I do my best to steer clear of those things.

And while it's true that it means that sometimes I don't fit in, or that people think I'm weird, it doesn't mean that I feel like I'm missing out on slavery.

That's one thing I'd gladly miss out on.

Regards, best wishes, and self-mastery,

-Cecily Jane

*Dear Reader, if you are of another faith, you should know that Mormons love nothing more than answering questions about their faith. Seriously. Ask us anything you want, and we'll be tickled pink to answer you. I dare you to try.

Oh, Hello There. I Remember You!

My Dear Reader,

I really hope that you don't hate me by now. Gosh. Please accept my sincere apologies for May and June. And most of 2010. I've seriously been in a funk.

Let me tell you what's been going on with me lately, and we'll see if that helps you forgive me. A little.

So, this past year-and-a-half have not been my favorite. All I can say is this: make sure you actually have plans after college, people. Don't just assume that you can take a year off and work while you figure things out. Something small might happen, like a global economic meltdown.

Just saying.

Anyway, video editing is great work, but it's not steady. I can go months without having anything to do, and so what happens when no one on Earth is hiring? You end up watching a lot of TV, which is weird for me. I went five years without watching more than an hour or two a week, but when you're practically unemployed, you find ways to fill up your days.

And then those little things take over your life.

And turn your brain to goo.

And make your life so boring that you really can't think of anything interesting to blog about. And you're really frustrated and unhappy, because you feel that you've thrown your life away, somehow.

And then one day, you're sitting at the computer, your goo-brain sloshing from left to right, when you get a call from Padre. And then people start saying things to you. Things like:

"Cecily, your grandmother is in the hospital. We need you to come up here and take care of Grandpa. Be ready in an hour."

"Cecily, we think she has cancer."

"Actually, Cecily, you might have to move in with your grandparents to take care of her when she gets out."

"If she gets out."

And then . . .

"Here, Cecily, have a job."

"Here, Cecily, have two jobs. Five minutes away from Grandma's house."

All in the same day.

I could write about the days I spent next to my grandmother in the hospital, but I'll spare both of us. It was painful, but mostly really boring. What they found out was that she has advanced pancreatic cancer, a kind of cancer that comes out of nowhere and is almost always terminal.

She might have six months to a year to live. Two weeks before she was diagnosed, we had no idea she was even sick. I still can barely process this. My grandma.

And on top of that, my grandpa, her husband, is in the early stages of Alzheimer's. He knows who we are and how to do everything, but he gets lost sometimes. And he can't really be on his own. And he certainly can't take care of his terminal wife. That's my job, now. I'm the one with no commitments, right? Goo brain? The fit was so perfect, I'm tempted to use words like "destiny." We'll see.

On top of that, my aunt and uncle (married to, and own their own businesses next door from, each other) both decided that they need help, so they're sharing me. My aunt owns a cafe, and my uncle owns an insurance agency. Weird combination? Yes. Weird that a Mormon girl is learning how to make coffee? Definitely. And while it's just more crazy to add to the crazy, I think the weirdest part is that I'm okay with it. All of it.

I kind of feel like I was waiting for this moment to happen, where someone would need me for something. Or lots of things.

But, of course, my grandma is still dying from cancer.

So, we'll see how this works out. The only thing I really know is that I think the goo is starting to congeal. I think I might be in for a full recovery, if this doesn't break me.

So, yeah. I'll keep you posted.

Regards, best wishes, and some sense in what the heck is going on,

-Cecily Jane

Re: Contemporary Racism: Carefully Taught

My Dear Reader,

PetiteSouer wrote a quite excellent blog post about contemporary racism, and I found that I had too much to say on the subject to fit it all in a comment box. So, I'm putting it here. I highly encourage you to read and comment on PetiteSoeur's post before reading what I wrote, because otherwise, it won't really make sense.

I remember being in second grade when a new girl moved to our school. It was during the winter, and the entire class had their coats hung up at the back of the room. At the end of her first day, I thought it would be a nice if I went and got her coat for her. You know, as a way of welcoming her. I had no idea that she would think that I was stealing the coat from her, and I certainly did not expect her to think that I was stealing her coat from her because she was black. But she did, and was extremely offended by the gesture. We were enemies after that, and there was very little I could do about it. As a kid, I drew the conclusion that no matter what I did, I was going to somehow be racist.

And I hated that about myself.

As PetiteSouer says in her post, race was not really something that was talked about in our home, because it really wasn't an issue. My Madre and Padre didn't care if the kids I brought home were white, black, or whatever. But I lived in a predominantly white area, so most of the kids who came over were white. That's just the way it was. The only times I ever really came in contact with racism in my home was when I would go into my parents' room and slip their South Pacific soundtrack into their CD player. I've always loved that music, but one song called "You've Got to Be Carefully Taught" popped out to me, and I used to play it over and over again until I had it memorized. Here's the song, and the lyrics are as follows:

You've got to be taught to hate and fear

You've got to be taught from year to year

It's got to be drummed in your dear little ear

You've got to be carefully taught.

You've got to be taught to be afraid

Of people whose eyes are oddly made

And people whose skin is a different shade

You've got to be carefully taught

You've got to be taught before it's too late

Before you are six or seven or eight

To hate all the people your relatives hate

You've got to be carefully taught.

I've listened to that song, literally, over a thousand times. I still listen to it, and sometimes hum it to myself while I do the dishes. This song and it's message of tolerance, is a very important part of my life.

During the same period of my life, I was exposed to two other songs that addressed the race issue, but this time, they were songs I sang in church. The first is called "We Are Different."

I know you and you know you know me

We are as different as the sun as the sea

I know you and you know you know me

And that's the way it is supposed to be

I help you, and you help me

We learn from problems and we're starting to see

I help you, and you help me

And that's the way it is supposed to be

I love you, and you love me

We reach together for the best we can be

I love you, and you love me

And that's the way it is supposed to be

The other is "I'll Walk With You."

If you don't walk as some people do

Some people walk away from you

But I won't, I won't

If you don't talk as most people do,

Some people talk and laugh at you

But I won't, I won't

I'll walk with you, I'll talk with you

That's how I'll show my love for you

Jesus walked away from none

He gave His love to everyone

So I will, I will

Jesus blessed all He could see

Then turned and said, "Come follow me"

So I will, I will

I will, I will

I'll walk with you, I'll talk with you

That's how I'll show my love for you

Yes, they're cheesy, but they're for kids. And I realize that none of them talk directly about racism, but in my mind, that's always what it was about. Why? Because in the songbook, "We Are Different" is right below a picture of a black kid and a white kid playing together, and because a lot of people of other races talk differently than I do.

So, I guess you can say that I've been carefully taught, but to the opposite effect described by Rogers and Hammerstein. But that doesn't mean that it solved the problem of racism for me. It doesn't mean that some kid isn't going to think I'm stealing her coat, and that I don't still fear that all black people are going to hate me no matter what I do, or that sometimes, I want to avoid black people altogether so the issue will never come up. That's still something I have to grapple with.

Because it's true that racism is still around, just different. It comes from the natural impulse to stay away from what's unfamiliar. But I very much despise the idea that it only occurs in white people, and doesn't just affect people of different races. It affects people with disabilities, people who have "strange" beliefs, and etc. We have our own "tribe," and we naturally fear or try to avoid people who aren't in the tribe. This is all natural. It's a defense mechanism. We're programmed to avoid conflict, so exclusion is very human. It's the hate that has to be learned. Both have to be overcome. Of course, this all completely relative. It depends on where you grew up and what you consider your "tribe" to be. If you're like me, and you're a white girl who grew up with lot of Asian people, it's easy to consider Asian people as just part of the tribe. When I talk to Asian people, I don't have a constant dialogue in the back of my mind where I'm asking myself if the slightest slip of the tongue will make them hate me. I do have that in the back of my mind around black people until I get to know them.

In fact, I find that the best way to overcome racism is to find similarities with people in a group that you have an aversion to, and befriend them. It's amazing how well this works. When you overcome your fears and start to trust someone who comes from a background that's completely different from yours, your entire worldview changes. But you generally don't dare to try unless someone has taught you that you should.

And if you're like me, even if you've been carefully taught, you still have to continue to teach yourself how to be a better person.

Regards, best wishes, and a continuing education,

-Cecily Jane

Of Idea Babies and Rope Bridges

My Dear Reader,

So, you know how a month ago, I told you that things were going to go back to normal? Yeah, sorry about that. I feel awful. I've just been writing so much fiction lately that by the time I get to personal non-fiction, I'm little writing-ed out. Just ask PrimerGemelo, who has yet to receive a letter from me the whole time he's been a missionary. (If I've been a bad blogger, I've been an even worse sister. But worry not, Gentle Reader, for I am turning to repent.) Anyway, since this fiction I've been working on isn't quite ready yet, I thought that while you can't see what I'm writing, I'd share with you a little bit about how I write it.

There really is no right or wrong way to write, as long as whatever you're doing is working for you. That is, you spend more time putting words on the page than you do pulling out your own hair. I've heard of some published writers who always put on a playlist of orchestral background music, or who light a candle with a specific smell designed to tell the brain that it's Writing Time.* There are others who always write at certain times of the day, while others always write in certain places. These are all mechanisms that people use for consistency and motivation, but I don't really do any of that. Sometime I have music on, sometimes I don't. Sometimes it's four in the afternoon, sometimes it's four in the morning (lately, it's been more of the latter). Most of the time, I write at my computer desk, but sometimes I write in the kitchen, or while I'm waiting in the car, or I scribble down notes while I'm in church.** For me, it's not really about having a system as much as it is about having a good idea.

Whenever I get a good idea, and I mean a really good idea, it's kind of like how it feels when you've just eaten something really tasty, and then realize that you have to throw it up: this thing is awesome and it must needs come out of me! I usually try to find the closest writing instrument and put that thought down on paper. But normally, it doesn't come that easily. Most of the time, instead of coming to me like a lightning bolt, an idea will sting me in the back of the head like a small dose of static shock. Sometimes the sting is just a fragment of a plot, or maybe it's a single line of an unwritten argument. Whatever it is, it's really just an infant that needs a little mothering before it can stand on two feet. So, I find that I must do whatever it takes to help that baby grow. (Grow baby! Grow!)

This usually means a set of behaviors that kind of seem strange, because people don't know that when it comes to idea babies, the perfect baby food is drama, and plenty of it. How do you add drama to an idea, you ask? You act it out. Oh, yes. I do it all the time, and I am not ashamed. You have to do what works, and this helps somehow. I'm not exactly an Oscar winner or anything, but I find that if I say the dialogue fragment out loud, or I try to act out the partial scene, the rest of it just starts coming. Also, it's really fun. It's like I'm feeding my idea baby and my inner child all at the same time. That's what I call efficiency.

Eventually, the idea baby grows into an idea toddler, and when the idea toddler tells you that it's not a baby anymore and it wants to play with the big kids, then it's time to sit down at the keyboard and turn the idea toddler into a story.

Wow, that sounded a little barbaric. I'd change metaphors, but I thought that one was exceedingly clever, don't you?

Anyway, the old saying goes that it takes one idea baby to make you look like an idiot, but it takes an entire play group full of idea babies to create a story. The longer and more complex your story is, the more idea babies you need. But like real babies, I find that idea babies don't always come in the order you intended. It would make the most sense to start a story at the beginning and write it all the way through, but I find that it's pretty rare that I can do it that way. Most of the time, I get an idea baby that goes at the front of the line, and then one that goes halfway to the end, until I eventually have a word document that is more like a pile of boards, that if I strung together with rope, would turn into a very nice rope bridge.

Did we lose anybody on that train of thought? The idea babies just turned into a rope bridge. Yes. Full steam ahead.

You see, a rope bridge is kind of like a story in the sense that it's made up of a lot of different, distinct pieces that all need to be woven together in order to facilitate a journey.*** If you were trying to build a rope bridge out of a bunch of rope and a pile of boards, it may not be very obvious at first which part goes where. Sometimes, it may not even seem to matter which board goes at the beginning, and which goes at the middle or the end. After some experimenting, however, you figure out that even though there are limitless combinations, only one or two work the best. You then choose which of the better ways appeals to you personally, and voila! you have a nice, juicy story.

Are you confused about my writing process? Well, so am I. Half of the time I have no idea what the heck I'm doing. All I know is that most of the people who read my stories don't end up hating me forever, and that's all the encouragement I need.

So, in conclusion: when your brain gives birth to an idea baby, do whatever it takes to turn that baby into a rope bridge. Remember, you heard it here first.

Regards, best wishes, and scores upon scores of idea babies,

-Cecily Jane

*I tried that, by the way. Didn't work for me. I had a really hard time finding a scent that would be unique enough to signal my brain, and yet not annoy me. At the time, I was also limited to the candles sold anywhere within walking distance, so the selection at the dollar store was less than satisfactory.

** Yeah, still fell guilty about that. I try not to do it anymore, and sometimes it's a real struggle.

*** Oh yeah, I totally just wrote the awesomeness of that sentence.

Assigned Reading!

My Dear Reader,

I don't know how to apologize for my recent absence, except for to just say that I'm sorry. I made the choice to temporarily focus on other projects, but I'll be back as usual next week, I promise.

I wanted to write a post for you today, but I found out that someone else wrote it for me. I know it sounds like a cop-out, but the truth is that this is much better than anything I could have posted today. Also, I spent all of my available free time for the day reading it (I'm a little low on free time just now; no worries). And here it is:

Text of Theresa Rebeck Laura Pels Keynote Address

It's about female playwrights, and I read this thinking about my role as a writer. Someday, I'd like to be able to get paid to write plays and screenplays and novels and poems and short stories. And (spoiler alert!) I happen to be female.

I believe that men and women were created by God to be different so that they could work together to create beautiful things. I also believe that the most beautiful things in the world are only possible when both men and women contribute. Some people would say that that makes me a feminist, and some wouldn't. So, I suppose that some people would call this speech feminist, while others wouldn't. I'll just say that it isn't sexist against men, as many who call themselves feminists are. It's just a story about what the environment is like for female writers in 2010, with implications that reach all of us. Once you're finished with that, I would like you to read this article, by the same woman who helped me find the above speech:

Kathryn Bigelow And The Man-Off Conundrum

I agree with most, but not all, of what these articles say. I'm eager to know what your opinion is, so I would ask that you leave it in the comments section. There will be a quiz!

Regards, best wishes, and stories,

-Cecily Jane