Friday, July 4, 2008

Scene: Cecily 4 Chancellor

My Dear Reader,

This piece is a sort of faux-infomercial that I intended to use as an audition piece for Divine Comedy. I never got the guts to actually audition (plus I figured that I would like watching their shows better than being a part of it), but now it is hidden from the world no longer! And it's just in time for Independence Day!

Cecily 4 Chancellor

Cecily: Hello! My name is Cecily, and I want to be your fascist dictator.

Are you tired of those wannabe dictators who continue to offer the same basic services for the same basic price of eternal loyalty, obedience, and servitude? Today, I am willing to offer you more for your surrender of freedom. In addition to solving the standard problems that other tyrants offer to solve, such as solutions to hunger, poverty, global warming, terrorism, and etc., I am willing to tackle more problems than those other guys, such as:

Bad sitcoms
Crowded elevators
Expensive Bread
Impressionism
Know-it-alls
Long lines
Smelly people
Smokers
Spam
Spitters
Sticks-in-the-mud
Telemarketers
People with bad grammar
People with bad teeth
People who use phrases like “I’m not perfect” “It’s my birthday” or “I’m in love” as lame excuses for bad behavior
People who spit gum on the sidewalk
People who misspell/mispronounce your name
TV/VCR Repair
And people who hate you for no apparent reason

But wait, there’s MORE!

Call within the next sixty seconds, and I promise to add these beneficial programs designed to improve your everyday life, such as:

Free cable
Nightly sing-a-longs
Kids for Clarinets
Second Children Anonymous
Mr. Ed Reruns
Free T-Shirt Tuesdays
Free Pizza Fridays
I Love Cecily Week

To join today, all you need to do is call 1-800-555-Cecily4Chancellor or visit my website: cecily4chancellor.com. That number again is 1-800, Cecily, the number four, chancellor.

So vote Cecily for Chancellor, and convert your freedom into free pizza.

(Oppressive taxes not included. Once power is given, Cecily reserves the right to change her mind at will.)

-Cecily Jane

17 comments:

Molly said...

Pure genius! TV/VCR repair! Sticks-in-the-mud! Kids for Clarinets! It's just so stinking funny!

Kiki said...

I must say, my favorite part is the TV/VCR repair! Classic! What was really funny though, was that I could almost hear you saying the whole thing in my head!

Anonymous said...

Hilarious! Funnier than Divine Comedy! MJH

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