Scene: FHE Divorce

My Dear Reader,

Here's another scene I intended to use as a Divine Comedy audition. This one is about two Family Home Evening co-chairs who are having difficult times in their fake family. It's kind of strange, but I hope you like it.

FHE Divorce

Mom: [Name], before we start this FHE planning meeting, I think we need to talk.

Dad: Uh oh.

Mom: What?

Dad: “We need to talk?” How long have we been FHE husband and wife, [name] . . . three months? I think I know you well enough by now to know what you mean by that.

Mom: Well, [name], it’s just that this relationship isn’t working out the way I’d hoped.

Dad: What do you mean?

Mom: Well, I just . . . I just don’t think I can handle this fake marriage anymore! We’re just too different.

Dad: What?

Mom: But I want you to know that it’s not you, it’s me.

Dad: What do you mean?

Mom: Well, it’s not that you’re rude, insensitive, flaky, and obnoxious, but it’s that I can’t handle the fact that you’re rude, insensitive, flaky, and obnoxious. You see? What I really mean to say is that if I was a stronger person, well, I wouldn’t have gotten into this calling in the first place.

Dad: I . . . I can’t believe this is happening! I thought things were going so well!

Mom: Well? WELL? Trust me, there are many words to describe how our relationship has been going. “Nowhere,” maybe, or “out of control,” but definitely not “well.”

Dad: I just don’t understand it! I worked so hard on this relationship! At least I’m not the one who insists that we listen to the Wicked soundtrack during our planning meetings.

Mom: Oh yeah? Well I wasn’t the one who tried to pass off a Halo match as an activity.

Dad: The other guys in the group thought it was a lot of fun.

Mom: This is BYU, [name]. We’ve got three guys and fourteen girls in the group.

Dad: But that doesn’t mean we have to sit and talk what’s happening on The O.C. every week!

Mom: The O.C. is a common interest shared by the majority.

Dad: It’s against the Honor Code.

Mom: And blowing up aliens isn’t?

Dad: It’s quality bonding time. The hours and hours we spend together trying to shoot and kill . . . isn’t it about . . . time?

Mom: I don’t think I’ve seen those kinds of activities on the Church commercials. Maybe we should focus on something a little more . . . in-church-media.

Dad: NO TEA PARTIES!

Mom: Okay, okay. Fine. Just start yelling.

Dad: I’M NOT YELLING. (clears throat) I’m speaking intently.

Mom: See what I mean? As soon as I propose a helpful alternative to your clearly-inappropriate suggestion, you assume the worst and get upset.

Dad: (Skeptically) So you weren’t going to suggest a tea party?

Mom: Of course not.

Dad: Really?

Mom: No!

Dad: Nothing remotely tea party-like?

Mom: No! Well, if you want, we could try out a tea cake party, but that’s completely different.

Dad: [NAME]!

Mom: We did it once for enrichment!

Dad: I am the father and I have repeatedly said that there shall be no tea parties or tea-party-like functions while I am the head of this family!

Mom: And there’s another reason this relationship is failing! We’re co-chairs—equals—and I just can’t stand your tirades any longer!

Dad: But . . .

Mom: I’m serious about this, [name], I’m going to the supervisors right now to ask them to be released.

Dad: But you can’t do that!

Mom: And why not?

Dad: The time we spent together . . . the spiritual thoughts and the refreshments . . . the feelings of group unity . . . are you going to throw all that away?

Mom: Well . . .

Dad: And what about the children? Are you going to make this a single parent family?

Mom: Well, I suppose that we’re only going to be FHE parents for a month or so.

Dad: Yeah?

Mom: And I guess we can hold it together until then, right? For the children?

Dad: (Hugs her) For the children.


-Cecily Jane